Failing at Fotoshop


I’m not proud to admit it, but I’m still floundering away at The University of Microsoft Paint.  

If you’re not familiar with it, MS Paint is a watered-down photo editing program that comes standard with every PC.  The only thing it’s useful for is drawing a perfect circle, square, or trapezoid, then filling it with a primary color.  Basically, it’s one step above an Etch-o-Sketch.  

Since I’m in a giving mood today, I thought I’d give all you graphic artist snobs an opportunity to point and laugh at some of my crudely-edited pictures from the past.  Up until now, none of them have seen the light of day.  The tour you’re about to take should give you an idea of what I’m working with here.

In short, my graphic design skills are about four feet shy of a slam dunk.

Behold…

Exhibit A.

When Suze Speaks You Will Listen

I’m a wizard at blacking out teeth.  Lucky for me, Suze Orman is already missing one.  The caption saved this one.  The sketchy-looking thought bubble did not.  Grade D+

…Exhibit B

When Suze Speaks You Will Listen (2)

The caption saved this one too.  Grade:  D

…Exhibit C

Mike Phleps

What began as a Chariots of Fire-inspired tribute to Michael Phelps, ended in a craptastic horn sympony of wet farts being lit on fire.  I blew this on so many levels.  First off, I butchered the name.  Phleps?  C’mon man.  Secondly, the Olympic Rings look like they just got off some Woodstock hippie bus after eating a handful of brown LSD.  Needless to say, this one didn’t bring home the gold — or any medal for that matter — just a raging case of genital herpes.  Grade:  F

…Exhibit D

Slam Dunking Pat Robertson

This one’s actually believable — all things considered.  In case you’re wondering, that’s Pat Robertson‘s head about to get slamma jamma’d by MJ.  Grade:  C-

…Exhibit E

Flo Nose Best

Where was I going with this one…This was actually an old piece from my graphic design portfolio.  People who interviewed me described it as being preposterouslaughable, and harmful to pregnant women.  One guy even called a couple weeks after the interview to tell me he’d gone sterile after looking at it.  Liar.  Needless to say, my computer drawing career never panned out.  Now that I look at it again, I can see where they’re coming from.  You did’t have to be a dick about it.  Sheesh.  Grade:  F

…Exhibit F

Capitol Building Wtf

Wait for it…

…Exhibit G

George W Planking

and boom goes the dynamite.  This one gets high marks for originality of content.  Unfortunately, I’m not sure The Enquirer is gonna fork over any loot for this Photoshop hack-job.  A Kindergartner could do a better job of cutting and pasting.  Look at Bush — he looks terrified.  I’ll bet this won’t be the first time G-Dub’s had a low mark stamped next to his name.  Grade:  D+

…Exhibit H

Sara Jessica Parker

The shading is spot on in this one, but I kinda goofed on Sara Jessica Parker’s hair.  Oh, and I totally forgot that she doesn’t eat carbs anymore.  Sorry chicky, this ain’t gonna help straighten out the long face —->  Grade:  D-

…Exhibit G:  *G-Money*

2 Fly 4 You

Here’s an exception.  Not much wrong with this one.  Except for the fried egg in Becca’s hair.  It was supposed to be a daisy.  Whatever.  If you print this out, don’t try using it at Walmart.  They just busted someone recently who was trying to score change for a million dollar bill.  True story.  It’s obvious that Walmart invests heavily in counterfeit and fraud prevention.  But who would wanna get rid of something with that pretty face on it?  Grade:  A+

…Exhibit H

Gary Busey

Gary Busey is so grouchy around the paparazzi.  I think he has a sugar problem.  Or a coke habit.  Probably both.  By the way, fake blood is hard to do on MS Paint.  It looks like cartoon barbecue sauce.  Someone give this man a rabies shot.  Stat.  Grade:  D – 

…Exhibit I

I'm a Toker not a Scholar

More pickin’ on Bush.  Wait.  That came out wrong.  Nevermind.  If you’ve never seen the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off then you’re probably scratching your wig right now.  Congratulations!  You’re the only person on the planet that hasn’t seen it.  The bong in the photo looks sort of believable, I guess.  And it’s patriotic too!  Who am I kidding.  It all sucks.  Grade:  D+

…Exhibit J

Dr Oz Commercial Not

I can’t imagine his monthly dry cleaning bill.  Actually, who cares about that.  I’m sending a Christmas card to the owner of the shop.  What a saint for handling all those poopy pants.  Grade: C

…Exhibit K 

David Dixon Tribute Sort of

I even screwed up my tribute to David Dixon.  Wait, is that his name or his nemesis?  Either way, you make it look easy, my friend.  Grade:  F

End of Tour.  

I hope nobody went sterile. 

*****

If you guys didn’t think this totally sucked, let me know.  I have a lot more Fotoshop Fails in the dumpster out back.  I could do a weekly bit called something corny like, “Fotoshop Fridays?”  Meh.  I’ll work on a title…

Oh, and check out the Post of the Week by Alien Red Queen.  Nicely written, Ms Lady.

Happy Blogging \m/  

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165 comments

  1. SocietyRed

    Adam my brother!
    I read this post during a seminar last week and I think the instructor got a little pissed that I kept laughing.
    And you got David Dixon to speak! Fucking amazing!
    This definitely didn’t suck; thanks for making a boring seminar tolerable.
    I’m off to read your post of the week now.
    Keep smiling brother, spring is almost here!
    (Part 2 tomorrow; count on it!)
    Red

    • Adam S

      Red!
      That is the coolest thing I have ever heard. I was toying around with this silly idea of having people send me reaction videos. I scrapped it. But that woulda been a good one. And, I’m as shocked as you are about Dave Dixon dropping by. I thought he was gonna sue me or something. Glad to see that he found the humor in it (rather than the copyright infringement part).

      I’m lookin forward to some backyard grilling, my man. I’ll force a smile in the meantime, and raise my winter brew too you? I’m sure the masseur adventures continuation will brighten my day!

  2. mightwar

    So what if your compositions don’t win any art prizes? They had me chuckling away a good ‘un. Besides, making them seems to bring you joy – I’m assuming that’s why there are so many examples – so enjoy the creative process and keep sharing. I’m more than happy to look over your whole portfolio.

    • Adam S

      Mightwar, what’s poppin! You’re a new face, er, gravatar around here. Welcome! Thank you, and you can count on more to come. The dumpster is bottomless…

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  6. Snehal Sahay

    Me too. Failed at Photoshop…mine failure just has “ph” instead of the “f” in the respective shop.

    And those pics were “Ascar winning” (lets just spare uncle Oscar here) 😉 , enjoyed the post.
    Cheers! 😀

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