Think Happy Thoughts and Try Not to Hurl on the Plane
Alright, so dig this, I’m going on a solo flight in a couple of days and I’m wiggin’ out.
I’m not all that big on flying, so I’ve been spending a lot time in the fetal position, whimpering like a sissy. I thought this might be sort of therapeutic for me, ya know? Write it out, Chowderhead, just write it out…
See, I’m not one of those people that’s afraid of crashing and dying. Honestly, I can think of much worse ways of expiring, like, for instance, being eaten by Hannibal Lecter. That would suck much more than a really brief, but really fun, roller coaster ride into the ocean.
Maybe I shouldn’t tempt fate…
What I am afraid of is all of the ridiculous scenarios that I create in my mind before I even set foot on the plane. Consequently, (I like that word) for the past week and a half I’ve been chain-smoking and building a collection of virtual self-help books, which now rivals the Library of Congress. At the moment, I’m working on a chapter in one of my anxiety miracle cure books called, “how to stop worrying about spraying projectile vomit all over the guy in the seat next to you.”
That would be one of those ridiculous scenarios. Not that it wouldn’t be possible I guess, but I haven’t tossed my cookies since I was an infant. That is of course if you don’t count that one time when I went to that Lebanese restaurant after a night of heavy drinking a few years back. But that was only like a violent vurp — not really full on hurl.
In any case, I realize now that not only do I have this longstanding phobia of just about everything, but a particularly bad phobia of all things vomit. God I hate that word. They actually have a name for it too: emetephobia. Gnarly!
Emetephobia, is what self-help guru’s refer to as an “Irrational fear.” I would have to agree, it is irrational, because chances are likely that I’m not really going to give two shits about the guy sitting next to me for a number of reasons:
1.). He might be an armrest-stealer.
2.) He might be a talker, which means kiss my Yatzy Addict Tournament goodbye.
3.) He could be a projectile vomiter, which would do absolutely nothing to help me rid myself of emetephobia.
I hope he’s just an armrest-stealer…
I’m rambling now. Shut up, man. Does this give me a free pass for slacking on reading everyone’s stuff? I’m acting like such an attention whore right now, I know. Please tell me to stick a sock in it and man up.
Oh, and I still don’t have a clue what I’m gonna name this blog, not that it’s all that important, but you know, The Artist Formerly Known as My Right to Bitch is gonna be a really hard one to plug to random strangers on the plane: “Hey, you should read my blog, it’s called…wait, do you have about five minutes to spare?”
Ok, bye.
Louisiana or bust…
…Say what?
-Happy Blogging\m/
Related articles
- Vomiting Robot Pukes for Science (news.discovery.com)
- Larry the vomiting robot goes ‘viral’ while helping researchers study norovirus (thestar.com)
The only helpful thing I can say, which is what I always say to myself when I have something coming up that I’m dreading is – this time in 3 days (or however long), it will all be over with. It makes it easier to think of it as just a period of time that you have to get through. That and making sure you sit in an aisle seat so that you can easily run to the bathroom if you have to.
Thanks, Jane. There’s been a slight change of last minute plans. Now I have a twenty hour drive to sit and think about how I’ll handle the next flight. Haha, long story!
Why did I call you Jane? I feel like such a dummy right now. I’m sorry, Vanessa-Jane 😦
Ha! That’s ok, I thought it was just a special little pet name you had for me 😉 It’s really just Vanessa. My middle name is Jane; I do a bit of acting and there was another actress called Vanessa Chapman, so I hyphenated the Jane with the Vanessa to make it a bit different, and as I use that as my acting name, I thought I’d use it as my writing name and therefore my public name in general (you did want my life story right?).
Ha ha ha! I did that with childbirth! I was totally like, “This shit is gonna be OVER in 18 hours.” I was wrong. Whatever, 9 months later and it IS over. So…. I guess it worked! I didn’t know anyone else did this…
I do something very similar – I say to myself I can put up with anything for 2 hours or 4 hours, etc. I used it during childbirth, a flight to Cuba, a flight to Puerto Rico, . . .
I heard about that technique, and tried it when giving birth. “I can put up with this pain for another 2 hours.” And then, it got so bad, I thought I was going to die during labor, so I made them shove a needle in my spine.
#WorthIt
This is all good stuff. I’m writing it in my daily affirmations log right now…
It’s a good coping strategy isn’t it – we know time passes, so we just have to move through that bit of time and then it’s done!
Not true. I once sat in on a Holocaust lecture that was so boring, I may ACTUALLY still be in it, and hallucinating this entire conversation.
Still, at least you have your hallucinations to get you through it. Only another 6 hallucination years to go and then the lecture will be over.
It’s really the dancing eclairs that I find most unnerving. Otherwise, though, I get by.
You’re lucky I’m the one who read this and not Blunt Life Coach™. Oh, and…LEON’S GETTING LAAAARRRRGER!
Send Blunt Life Coach over. I’m curious on his thoughts…
I used that Airplane! quote just recently. Great minds think alike.
I love airplane!
I’m crossing my fingers that you’re seated next to one of those Tyler Durden types so you come back with an awesome plane story.
…That doesn’t involve vomiting.
Who is Tyler Durden? Katie, I live in a box. Don’t forget that. Wait, is he a politician?
You’ve never seen or read Fight Club? You need to check out the movie, if so. It’s amazing. Not as amazing as the book, but still.
Katie, Katie, Katie…
…what’s the first rule of Fight Club?
A solo flight! What is it?
(Yeah, that’s all I got today. Good luck!)
It’s when you sit on your hand until it falls asleep, and then you jerk off. Wait a minute, no. That’s a “stranger.” A solo flight is one part Vodka, three parts grenadine…wait, er…I’ll get back to you on that one, Ginger.
Squee!! Louisiana! Hope there will be some crazy fun stuff coming out of that trip. Can’t wait!! I was up this morning at 4 a.m. to take my hubby to the airport. He’s on his way to Vegas. Adam, you just have to keep telling yourself that you are safer in the air on an airplane than you are on the ground in a car. Granted, you won’t survive the airplane crash, but the chances of it crashing are miniscule. Take lots of cash with you and drink.
Squee is the word that comes to mind, Maddie. But there has been a slight change of plans. I’m driving now. Any suggestions, seeing that it’s the more dangerous option???
Five to seven miles over the speed limit – no more unless you are simply keeping up with the cluster f, er, I mean traffic. Wear your seatbelt at all times. Wear comfy lightweight clothing. Take great music; don’t rely on the radio. Even if you are using a GPS, map your route with Google maps and print every bit of it to take with you. Stuff happens, GPSs get squirrelly, and you don’t want to get off an exit for gas/bathroom only to find there isn’t a ramp to get back on. Have the patience of a saint, because everyone else drives like a maniac. Enjoy the view. Take a small cooler with your favorite cold non-alcoholic (duh) drinks/water, because it’s a bear to be thirsty and not be able to stop. A bag of favorite snack items is helpful, too, especially if you get tired; eating and drinking helps to keep you awake. Don’t text. Stay off the phone. You can talk to her at rest stops or when you get to Louisiana. 😉 Now don’t I sound like a nagging mother? Most of all, go yonder with your sense of adventure, and have fun!!
Thanks, Maddie. I appreciate all the support and tips. Everything is going well. I’m more than half walk there after day one. This is cool!
I threw up on a plane once (Actually twice on the same flight) Apparently getting loaded on wine the night before was a BAD idea. The air sickness bag contained it, but not for long. It slowly began to leak.
Hope this makes you feel better!
Fuck off!
WOOSAH Adam …woosah. I second Maddie’s suggestion. Just envision that really really cold Coors Light waiting for you on the ground. And, if whoever sits next to you on the plane starts talking to you interrupting your tourney, bust out the Ed Dossleberg.
Haha!! I have a pet Iguana named Larry…
When I watch that I don’t even see myself, it’s weird. I can’t wait to pop a Coors, Chicky. I. Can’t. Wait.
Me either! You are so good at transforming. Now, work on those damn portals sir. In the mean time… ten and two :).
Portal: “Wuuowm”
Becca, in the suburbs of Detroit it’s twelve and forty. Belee Dat!
Adam,
I know you wouldn’t be flying if it wasn’t really really really magnificent™ where you are going… Good luck. Don’t think about movies like Airport, or Flight, or Cast Away, or movies with Nick Cage (but Raising Arizona), as those just suck dirty asses. Enjoy, my man. Enjoy.
Le Clown
Thanks, Le Clown. To say that I’m geeked would be an understatement. ***Thank you***
Thank you. I’m flying tomorrow and I hadn’t even considered the “bodily fluids” issues…I was still stuck on claustrophobia…sigh…
Don’t worry Jenn, it beats driving, and really beats jogging. I’ll have a few good driving stories I’m sure. Slight change of plans…
I’m intrigued!
I used to have a pretty pathological fear of throwing up… I think I largely got over it when I was bitten on the face by a dog, and while laying on a table getting my face sewn up, the kid behind the next curtain kept hacking and then hurling on the floor. At first I covered my ears (the docs thought there was something wrong with my head at first.lol) but then I was unable to move and had to just sort of deal…
I do get motion sickness though, so I am always nervous of that when going on a flight. I take a lot of dramamine and try to drowse through the flight if I can.
We share many of the same phobias, don’t we? Dramamine seems do do the trick, but even the non-drowsy shit makes me wanna sleep for a week. It’s weird…
It works some, but I have to take a lot of it. 😉
I always hope and pray that the person sitting next to me is hawt!! Hawtness always provides a very welcome distraction, don’t you think? So instead of panicking about loose wings, faulty oxygen masks and the Pilot falling asleep at the wheel you can focus on pert tits, toned thighs and luscious lips. If on the otherhand you’re perched beside a wild beast then you’re fucked 😉
I don’t care if Vanna Fucking White is sitting next to me, I opt for the tour bus! But, you’re kind of a hornball, so I can definitely see it working for you! \m/ !!!
HAHA!!!! That’s the best compliment I’ve received ALL YEAR!!! Thank you so much Adam!! I bet if I sat beside ya you’d soon forget about your little phobia. We’d talk about culture and our favourite colour of Skittles…and why you spell favourite; favorite and colour; color…and our best ever Guitar Hero marathon sessions…(Sweet Child O’ Mine; Message in a Bottle and I Wanna Be Sedated are AWESOME Guitar Hero anthems….AWESOME!!!!). And that’s just the tip of the iceberg (thank God you’re not travelling by boat or I could have started a whole load of shit there).
Oh, you’re a small talker! That would actually make me feel better. Flying solo doing anything is kind of a mindfuck. It’s nice to have someone to keep your mind from wandering, ya know?
Guitar Hero! I like the Poison tune. I’m good at that one haha!
Yea, Guitar Hero. Here’s a story, I’ll make it quick. I was with my ‘new’ (now ex) boyfriend and he suddenly whipped out this….this…this hideous instrument. He called it ‘Guitar Hero’. I scoffed at his suggestion of ‘having a go’ and pretended to be utterly disinterested. Fast forward a few (ok, 5) vodkas later and I was rockin’ dude! ROCKIN’!!! I was STILL trying to master Sweet Child O’ Mine at 6am. It’s official: my heart belongs to Guitar Hero.
Right on! Great tune, yo!
Jeez, I get 5 lousy words for an epic tale of my introduction to Guitar Hero…
Driving can be fun — I see the change of plans in your comments. But being car sick when you are driving alone sucks too.
Hope you have a great time.
I don’t get car sick, but I do get bored as hell. I’m bringing a driving buddy next time for sure!
So you made it!
Let the good times begin.
For fuck sake!! I’ve only just noticed that you’re going to drive now!! I’m never gonna get those minutes back Sendek!!
Sorry, yo! I have a flying voucher though, so I’ll be able to laugh about it the next time I go. By the way, I haven’t been called by my last name since high school. I love it!
Haha, cool! From this day forward I shall call you ‘Sendek’! Don’t you be getting any weird ideas about me doing a bit of role play and pretending to be a School Teacher as I’m saying that, Sendek! 😉
Hmmm, I never thought of that?!
Kaaaaay, I obviously have some deep rooted issues. How’s about that. Awkward…
I’ve never held any of it against you, have I ???
Oops, three question marks??? You must mean business tonight Sendek! Haha. I was just jesting homeboy 😉 But seriously, what red blooded male WOULD hold it against me??!!
Flying or driving, Adam, the best option is to enjoy the journey, whatever happens… even the not so pleasant bits…
Thanks dude, everything is going well!
I never knew there was an actual word for fear of all things vomit! Gross, just typing that word made me feel ill. But thanks for teaching me a new word that I can now use whenever I introduce myself to someone.
Now that you’re driving, I’m guessing you aren’t making yourself sick with stress anymore. For future reference though, try to snag an aisle seat on a flight. To prevent the hurl, invest in some motion sickness pills and do not drink orange juice before or during the flight. That last one is advice from my sister, who’s only recently stopped hurling on every single flight she goes on.
Um,if I were flying, Lillian, I’d have been there regardless of how bad about eight hours ago. I think I’m over my phobia of flying!
Well that was quick. We’ll see about that the next time you step onto a plane. 🙂
Yeah, I’ll be crying without a doubt!
Ah anxiety. Well I bet you’re glad that mountain was avoided! Can you breathe now? As for your blog name, you could always go with Violent Vurp. I doubt it’s taken.
“Evading The Vurp”
Jean, No, I’m trying my best to unwind before I have to get back on the road again tomorrow. Speaking of violent vurps!!
Safe travels, bro! I know flying is nervewracking, but you’ll be fine!
Thanks, Weebs. I’m actually driving. Long story. I’m in some sheeny-assmotel in Tennessee right now. I think they filmed Deliverance down the road. Pfft!
I think I can; I think I can; I think I can! Take a few deep breaths and then there you go! Come on, tell us why and where??
I am, I am, I am! Details to follow, yo. Details to follow!
Practically holding my breath. 😉
That makes two of us…
If your biggest fear is projectile vomiting take a Gravol before you board the plane. You can always take a children’s Gravol if you’re afraid adult may be too strong. I hate flying because I hate being locked into a small place with a whole bunch of other people & having no control over what happens.
I don’t get motion sick, I just get nervous as hell. But yes, I agree with you. It’s overwhelming to think about sometimes…
aye carumba…
Get yourself a CD of something really peppy & blast the tunes while you drive. My favorite driving songs? Shania Twain’s “Feel Like a Woman” & “Footloose” When I still smoked – when I was driving, every cig kept me more awake & alert. Hubby’s trick? Sticks his head out the window like a dog while he’s driving when he’s feeling drowsy!
I smoked two packs of cigarettes in less than a day. A new record for me. It was not one of my prouder moments in life, but, they weren’t going to smoke themselves now, were they?
That sounds like it’ll be a fun drive, man. Take in the scenery along the way and enjoy your destination. If, once you’re in LA, you get to see Becca, give her a hug for me. And a bill for the drinks.
Calahan, thanks, man. It’s a really scenic drive through Kentucky and Tennessee. And not Ohio.
Will do!
Just used the ‘sniffing glue’ quote yesterday but of course everyone in my office is too young and too stupid to have seen that movie. Um, I’m clearly late to this party, you are afraid of flying in a plane? You are not actually flying the plane, is this correct? And now, there’s no plane, there’s you in a car for 20 hours? Is there a dog involved anywhere in this?
Me Johnny Big Tree
Haha! It’s such a classic movie, I love Leslie Nielson in it. I’m driving now. Long story, and an even longer drive. The story is long, but if you were driving with me, I could probably tell it to you about 8000 times! \m/
I have a very irrational fear of passing out or throwing up on an airplane. I don’t know where it came from, but I’m afraid I’ll be the passenger a plane will have to make an emergency landing for.
I think about the same shit, actually haha! In my mind, it’s very real. But very stupid. Its so funny when you think about it!
Oh, and Jen, Becca says “hi”.
I always want to lean over to my seat neighbor and say, “FYI, I may vomit on you and go into convulsions.” That’s not what normal people do!!!
Tell Becca I said hi back! 😀
Haha! Word.
Becca says “hi” back.
I love your new style! I have never been on an airplane. I doubt that I will ever get on one unless I am the one in the cockpit.
As always, you bring a smile to my face! Thank you!
Thanks, and you’re welcome! I like when peeps are laughing or at least smiling. It makes me feel like a winner \m/
You were so busy rambling about your fear of flying and vomit, that I don’t believe you ever said why you’re going to Louisiana? Personally, I am probably much more worried about sharting myself than puke! Chin up buttercup! 😉
I came down to visit Becca. I drove though. Eh boy. I’m officially over my phobia of flying after a seventeen plus hour drive…
And you didn’t stop to see me?? I think it’s sort of on the way!! I have beer! lol
Where are you at, yo?
Kansas baby!! 🙂
Kansas?! You’re not even in the same hemisphere! But, I’ll still raise a Coors!
You said you were going to visit Becca. . .Texas, right?? And you’re in the Motor City? You could’ve come by way of Kansas!! lol And it’s actually Miller Lite for me. . .less carbs. 🙂
Louisiana. I went through Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Mrs. Ippy. Miller light tastes like recycled urine, yo!
Do you have an accent?? And how do you know what recycled urine tastes like??? Yuck! lol
According to people outside the Midwest, yes, I do. Did you watch any of my videos?
Just the latest one, and it reminded me more of a Beastie Boys throwback. 🙂 I prefer porn, so when are you coming out with one of those??
Which one? Beastie boys throwback? Elaborate, Ma’am. Porn is a huge leap from what I do now, so it’ll probably take some time to ease into it…
…probably next week.
Be sure and let me know when you get that porn finished!! Definitely make it soft-core, because that appeals to women more. Well, at least to me it does! lol
Ermagerd. Ok.
So… the big fear is puke? I mean, I’m not going to point and laugh (out loud), but I think you’re probably ok. I’ve been on DOZENS of flights (because nobody wants to keep me around for long) and I only ever saw someone throw up ONCE, and it was my step-sister. So…. don’t fly with her? I don’t know. Drink heavily? No, someone else said that made *them* throw up. I got nothing. Meh, you’ll be fine.
That’s good to know, yo. I pussed out and drove instead. Wait, does that technically mean I pussed out?
Meh. Road trips are fun. It’s that drive to Europe that might be a killer.
It would definitely be a difficult trip for a number of reasons. I do have an amphibious vehicle though, an advantage that many don’t have.
OMG…. please tell me you’re one of those Doomsday Preppers!!! Because between that, and Hoarders: Buried Alive, I miss my tv so much some nights…
I was on the show. You didn’t see me?
Hey, I’m in Europe!! 🙂
Liar…
I’m not lying!!
I once did vomit on a plane once. 7 times in a row to be exact. Let’s just say the flight attendant was not to keen on me. Well, let’s be honest, she was a B*&^% to me. I probably would have been too, I mean, who wants to carry away 7 vomit bags! I’m happy to hear you drove!
Oh my god. That is brutal. We should exchange emails and not coordinate our future flights together!
Driving > flying except for turbulence. Glad you made it..being from Detroit suburb, I get twelve and forty. 🙂
I’m so happy that it didn’t go completely over everyone’s head!
Having read this post after viewing a few tweets, I can only say this: You lucky bastard….
You know what, I am a pretty lucky bastard. It doesn’t happen often, so I’m relishing this.
Sweetie, we all are attention whores every now and then. It’s okay.
Thank you for making me feel alright about being an attention whore.
That is what I’m here for. x