Grab a Tissue Because it’s Time for The First Inaugural Roast.


A few weeks ago I was experiencing a blog identity crisis and announced that I would be undergoing a sex change.  I mean a name change.  Since then, amid all of your incredibly cool suggestions, and all of the dumbass names that I came up with myself, I still haven’t decided on one.

My indecisiveness leads me to believe one of two things: 1.) I’m not incorporating enough essential fatty oils into my diet, or 2.) I’m pregnant.

"You're about to get served."

“You’re about to get served.”

All that aside, I made a promise that I intend to keep and I’m gonna make good on it today.  But I’m changing the rules up a bit; instead of blabbing on and on about one person, one winner, I’m about to throw a bunch of thick-skinned blogger buddies of mine onto the barbecue.

Congratulations.  You’re all winners of the Name Adam’s Dumb Blog Contest!

Here’s how the whole thing’s gonna play out:  I rip you to pieces, you cry for a few minutes, then you send me an anonymous death threat or a horse head, then we hug and makeup, and then you drop me a PayPal contribution for publicizing your blog!  I just threw that last part in there.  It’s not mandatory.

The Premise of the Roast:  

I have a couple of really sharp computer geek friends that figured out a way to reverse the search term feed.  I know who used what search terms to find my blog, and today I’m gonna let the dirty little kitty out of the bag.  I’ll also try my best to address your long-forgotten queries.  Of course I’m making all this shit up right now, but just play along.

So sit back, relax, crack a beer, throw some ABBA on the stereo, and soak up the sweet insults of the First Inaugural Roast.  

Forgive me in advance.

1 MerbearBlogger:  Merbear.  Blog TitleKnocked Over by a Feather.
Search Terms:  “Can you get bumps around your genitals from running?”

It sounds like someone has been bumpin’ plugs with some dirty strange if you know what I’m sayin’.  I don’t think those bumps are from your highly unfashionable, nylon runner shorts; you may well have caught your first raging case of gonorrhea.  Well, you could easily be a repeat recipient of the crotch-critters, but who am I to judge?  Merbear, head to your nearest clinic.  Stat.  And stay away from public restrooms in the meantime.

2 Alien Red QueenBlogger:  Lady Anonymous:  Blog Title:  Alien Red Queen
Search Terms:  “My boa constrictor makes a farting sound out of her mouth.”

You know, you always struck me as one of those chicks that shows up to some really elaborate wedding sporting shredded fishnets, combat boots, miscellaneous spiked-jewelry, and fucking purple hair.  Queen of the damned.  I can picture you all gothed-out, holding a one-sided debate with Ed the bartender about the current political climate in Sudan.  Ed’s not listening.  He’s staring at your eyeliner.  And your hooters.  Oh, and by the way, who buys a boa constrictor?

3 JulesBlogger: Jules  Blog Title: McCrabass
Search Terms:  “Job interview porn.”

Which part is the fantasy here: the steamy sex scene with your interviewer, or actually finding an interview?  I just consulted with my magic eight ball to determine the likelihood of either and here’s what it said: Fat Chance.

4 BeccaBlogger: Becca  Blog Title:  25 to Fly
Search Terms:  “My masterpiece liquor dispenser is broken how do you fix?”

I think the hair dye is starting to leach into your grey matter, darling.  Anyone that can’t tell the difference between a hammer and a band saw should either call a handyman or toss it in the garbage.  If you don’t heed my advice, you might not have any fingers left for me to put a ring onto.

5 JenBlogger: Jen  Blog Title:  Sips of Jen and Tonic
Search Terms:  Does Paul Reiser smoke?

Oh god, first Hasselhoff and now this tool?  So Jen, if he did smoke, would that tarnish his otherwise flawless character?  His whiny voice, corny hairdo, and the fact that he was kind of married to Helen Hunt doesn’t factor in?  If he does smoke that would be the only cool thing about him (Don’t listen to me, kids.  And stay in school).  He strikes me as a Virginia Slims kinda guy anyways, which totally kills all that.  You’re too uptight, Jen.  Drink a fucking beer.

6 Cathy UlrichBlogger: Cathy Ulrich   Blog Title:  Large Self
Search terms:  “Steven Segal Spine Punch.”

When Cathy’s not busy taking pictures of flowers and writing inspirational poetry, she’s reading up on how to perform violent Judo take-downs.  I’m making a point to tread lightly here.  If I say something stupid and we happen to cross paths in the future, chances are likely that I could end up in the back of a meat wagon with a dislocated head, courtesy of Dr. Ulrich.  You look very lovely today, Cathy.  Lovely indeed.

7 AmyBlogger:  Amy  Blog Title:  The Bumble Files
Search Terms:  “Didn’t fart in front of husband for 30 years.”

That’s a dump truck full of bullshit.  You’re probably not aware of this, but we have a mutual friend, Amy.  I know for a fact that you’ve been quarantined on drinking holiday weekends on more than one occasion.  I also know about your lighter trick performance back in college.  Video Proof:  click here.

8 CallahanBlogger:  Calahan  Blog Title:  B.L.O.G.  
Search Terms:  “One seated band wagon.”

Mike, your hair is definitely riding a one-seated band wagon.  Ditch the mousse.  Helmet hair hasn’t been in style since the 50’s.  Neither has your blog.  It’s gotta be difficult finding a jug of Drain-o in your homentown with you living in it.  I can’t even imagine how many gallons a week it requires to keep your shower water from backing up because of all the fucking hair product you stuff into your plumbing.  B.L.O.G:  (B)uys  (L)ots  (O)f  (G)el

9 WeeblesBlogger:  Madame Weebles  Blog Title: Fear No Weebles
Search Terms:  “Offended you are Yoda.”

Star Wars Nerds…

Don’t worry, Weebles, Yoda not I am.  Or something like that.  If it wasn’t for all of the nauseating publicity that you fan geeks get at these conventions with your themed weddings and Vader-humping get-ups, I wouldn’t even know what the hell  a Yoda was…

10 HotspurBlogger:  Edward Hotspur  Blog Title:  Edward Hotspur  Search Terms:  “I’m feeling verklempt.”

Oh stop crying, Eddie.  This Romantic Monday stuff is elevating your estrogen levels.  That makes me weepy.  Listen, Ed, if you don’t start focusing more on testosterone-boosting activities like beer curling, hammer throwing, and chain saw woodcarving, you might start growing breasts soon.  So bottoms up.  Now go buy a chainsaw and start practicing.  Start with something simple:  a carving of Mt. Rushmore.

11 Lillian

Blogger:  Lillian  Blog Title:  High, High, Higher!
Search Terms:  “there are already so many good blogs”

Keep practicing, Lillian.  One day you’ll be this good.  No I’m just kidding.  That’ll never happen.  Freshly Pressed twice you say?  The WordPress editors were clearly drunk.  Both days.

 

12 Tales from the MotherlandBlogger:  “Yo.”  Blog TitleTales from the Motherland
Search Terms:  “Blog straight from the gut bitches”

I know I wasn’t supposed to do this, and I won’t.  However, I will say that your infatuation with the Adam and Becca show is now bordering on Glen Close in the movie, Fatal Attraction.  Just a heads up, I’m filing a restraining order against you next Wednesday.  Lawyer up, you nut.

13 PixieBlogger:  Pixie girl  Blog Title:  Exploring Pixie
Search Terms:  “Outdated Halloween Outfits.”

I see you took some time out of your grueling piano practice schedule, which probably consists of Chopsticks and the first five notes of the Sesame Street Theme Song, in order to update your wardrobe.  There’s no doubt in my mind that you’re a Walmartian.  Look, there goes Pixie Girl with her little fairy wings strapped to her back, floating aimlessly down the dairy isle in search of a loaf of bread.  Clearly your school investments did jack shit to improve your financial situation.  Or for that matter, your IQ.

14 RedBlogger:  John  Blog Title:  Society Red
Search Terms:  “I’m really lucky I took my hidden cam that day, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to shoot this hottie’s sexy big ass in grey butt pants.”

It’s clear now why you transitioned from construction worker to massage therapist: you’re a pervert.  I’m starting to wonder if Society Red is a secret voyeur cult.  I got my eye on you, Grandmaster John.  I’m sure you got your eye on me too.  And anyone wearing grey butt pants.

15 Lady LovelyBlogger:  Amber  Blog TitleLady lovely Blogger
Search Terms:  “I’m warming my lips.”

Ok, I’m just gonna say it:  I think you’re one of those anonymous hardcore sex bloggers. The gushy-poetry thing is just a fluffy diversion.  Fess up.  You’re a closet sex addict.  And hey, since your lips are good and warm right now, why don’t you put them to good use?  Wait, let me bend over first.

16 Fat Bottom GirlBlogger:  Annonymous Hornball  Blog Title:  Fat Bottom Girl Said What
Search Terms:  “Demonstrations on how to shave my pubis and cookie for my man.”

Where would you even find the time to shave your cookie?  It seems like most of your free time is spent guzzling cheap beer and Facebook stalking all the guys that dumped your crazy ass after one date.  The rest of your time is spent crying about it on WordPress.  I was picturing an intimate dinner date with you just now and it went something like this:  “Check please.”

*****

Whew, that was fun!

You know, when I scroll through that list of mugshots, I don’t just see a collection of random people that willingly subjected themselves to public humiliation, I see a list of some of my absolute favorite blogger friends.  Not only are all you people really good at your crafts, but you’re also good at inspiring, motivating, and encouraging others that share the same passion. 

Speaking personally, at one point or another you’ve all helped prop me up during the dark times, flattered or complimented me when I sucked, encouraged me to keep writing when I wanted to quit, and inspired me when I didn’t have anything left in the tank.

Not only have you all played a part in the evolution of this dumb blog, but more importantly, you’ve inspired a very personal evolution.  Nowhere else will I ever find this much heartfelt support for a silly pipe dream of mine.  I can count the people on one hand in real life that support my writing.  But here is different.  I’d need a lot more hands.  \m/

And lastly, I wanted to make honorable mention of one person in particular on the list: Jules, the author of the blog, McCrabass.  Thank you for all your help outside the blogosphere.  You’re an immense talent and a very gifted mind.  Thanks for taking the time to point me in a direction.  You have a big heart. I’m still your number one fan.

I wish I could have included everyone, but damn, this took a long time to put together.  Thank you all again for being good sports.  And thank you to everyone else not mentioned here that I interact with regularly.  You’re all very much loved and appreciated.  We’ll see where this whole thing goes.

Sorry for being a dick.

*****

Thanks for your contributions:

  *****

Feel free to test the thickness of my skin in the comment section.

– Happy Blogging \m/

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103 comments

  1. merbear74

    The bumps are starting to fade, after getting a huge bottle of penicillin. Wrapping all toilet seats with saran wrap. Thanks for the roast, I feel extra dirty now. xx

  2. Pixie Girl

    You’re a real bitch, bitch. But I will forgive you. Maybe. If you do send some of those Halloween outfits my way. Although if you don’t I’m bound to forget it due to my low IQ.

    Also, awwwwww. Damn. That second part of your post made me tear up *again*. WTF dude? I thought this blog was supposed to be funny and/or outrageous, not a teary romance. Get yourself together.

    BIG HUGS xxx

  3. Fat Bottom Girl

    Well, that was certainly worth it after all the tap-tapping of your nicotine-stained fingers upon your sticky keyboard!! How does a Beastie Boys-looking, one-balled man, too afraid to get on a plane, find the jizz to drive hours to try to get all up in a Louisiana hottie’s shit?? Poor Becca. . .crazy comin’, and thy name be Adam!!

    (For realz babe, love you, and your writing to pieces!!! And feel doubly-blessed to be on this list of bitches.)

  4. twindaddy

    Adam,
    I commend you on your efforts to address all the freaks and their idiot search terms, but don’t ever apologize for giving someone the truth. I see you as a potential life coach, but you’re still a bit too soft for that. Harden the fuck up.
    Blunt Life Coach

  5. Cathy Ulrich

    That’s funny, as I read the first few lines of this post, ABBA started playing in my head…Anyhoo, this was my first Roast! Thanks for being gentle, Adam. Gotta go, need to practice a few katas before work. (Oh, and BTW, it’s a band saw, not a ban saw)

  6. Pingback: It’s Getting Hot In Here | Fat Bottom Girl Said What
  7. becca3416

    Adam,

    You still didn’t tell me how to fix my liquor dispenser and you know that is a crucial problem. So, basically you failed. I guess we will just have to go out for booze now. Pick me up at 7:00. Wait, scratch that, I don’t want to end up at the bottom of a pot hole crater tonight. Anyway, you did execute this roast with perfection. I have to give you that. This is very Mr. TB of you, and I liked watching everyone get punted in the groin! Now, go practice actually staying awake when you watch movies ya bum.

    -Me

    • Adam S

      Rebecky,

      You don’t have any liquor left to put in it??

      Thanks, darling. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for letting me tan your hide for a minute. And keep your fingers, seriously.

      I’m running late as usually. I’ll be there by nine. We’ll grab a *coffee*.

      – Ada\m/

  8. lillianccc

    Sorry you’re getting all green-eyed, Adam. I mean I know it sucks to be a one-hit wonder so I’m not surprised you’re taking my double FP honors so hard. Editors were drunk, you say? Dude, I was the one who sent them all that cheap beer.

    (Cheap beers aside, I have so much respect for you, putting this together. Honored to have been roasted with my bum only slightly tanned! Rock on, man.)

    • Adam S

      Lillian, you’re well deserving of the honors. I read your first FP article when you posted it in the comments a few months ago. Its a great piece. I loved the second idea too. I haven’t checked it out in awhile. Is it still being added to, or did it finally end?? Nobody wanted to add to my goofy Mario Brothers on LSD additions. I’m not wholesome enough…

      Thank you so much, and you’re very welcome. It’s a pleasure to have crossed paths with you. \m/

      • lillianccc

        Your additions are totally what kept it going, in my opinion, even if other people didn’t really know what to do with it. I THINK there might have been a couple more people who braved the crazies and added some more after your part…..gonna have to check on that.

  9. anitadesignstudio

    Ach!!! I wanted to be roasted!! Me! ME! *cue a very unladylike tantrum of feet stomping* This blog is the CENTRE of my universe. I thought I was your FAVOURITE dammit!! 😉

    • Adam S

      This is the first one. Relax, You’ll get yours soon, don’t worry…

      And Thank you so much! I love reading your comments. They’re always, always entertaining. You’re definitely one of my favorites. I’m not blowing smoke. Thank you for propping me up.

      Oh, and you spelled CENTER wrong. Get with the fucking program! Dyslexic Europeans…

      😉

      • anitadesignstudio

        Haha, I always thought my comments were so much more diluted and uninteresting than most! But I appreciate your appreciation! Right back at ya homeboy – you’re without a doubt one of my favourites. If truth be told I’m slightly jealous of this whole ‘Adam and Becca up a tree….’ shit BUT because you’re such a dude I obviously wish you both all the best. Dyslexic??!! How very dare you!! Coming from someone who drives on the WRONG side of the road! And who calls chips, fries and crisps, chips!!! You people don’t even put vinegar on your chips!! Weird.

        And I’m IRISH homeboy. IRISH! And no, that doesn’t mean you start all that ‘to be true, to be true’ and ‘top ‘o the mornin to ya’ shite! Uh huh, that’s right; don’t mess with Neets cause I’ll be all up in yo face!!

      • anitadesignstudio

        Ha, I think that would be a very baaaad idea!! I kinda want to actually carve out an interior design career, ye know?! Not scare people off! So, you think I ‘rant’??! Eek, not sure I like that term!

  10. SocietyRed

    Adam,
    Nicely done but that was ME in those gray butt pants! And while my ass is sexy, it isn’t that big! Thanks for the compliment; you’re not the first smart-ass punk that’s called me a hottie, and that’s exactly why I had to get back into construction.
    Seriously, glad to see you back on the sunny side. That road trip obviously did you some good. Thanks for including me with such a stellar group of writers. See you at the summit!
    John

    • Adam S

      John, I’m still calling you Red. Forever.

      You’re welcome. You are the fucking master storyteller. You have a niche, and you’re really, really good at it. I still like the reanimated fly story. God that was funny!!

      Ok, I just got to the summit. Where are you? I don’t see Red anywhere?

  11. Jen and Tonic

    I want to be the meat in a Paul Reiser and David Hasselhoff sandwich. We’ll drink, eat cheeseburgers, screw and then smoke Virginia Slims. It’ll be like college, only with a lot more gray chest hair…on me.

    Mike’s was my favorite. Poor guy takes so much heat for that slick hair of his.

    • Adam S

      We can name it a “douchebag and Jen special!” What do you think?!

      I’ll keep trying.

      Thanks for playing along, yo. I liked his too, haha! I like his hair too. I’m just jealous that he doesn’t have a receding hairline…

  12. The Bumble Files

    Adam, I got the new name for you. It’s Adam’s Dumb Blog! Ha, so take that, huh? (Actually, I kind of like this!) I don’t really care because Adam you can’t possibly look as sexy as me doing that lighter trick. You just go on and try.

    • Adam S

      C’mon, Amy. Dig deeper. I know you got a razor in your back pocket. Let me have it!

      Thanks for playin’ along, for real. Did you watch that video??

      • The Bumble Files

        Adam, you know I’m a softie….especially after your heartfelt thanks! Gee, Adam…what else can I say, but I’m here for you man!! I know what you mean about the blogging gang.

        Oh yeah, I watched it! Slightly on the pornographic side. Admit you kind of liked it…admit it. Admit that you tried this at home.

      • Adam S

        I know you’re a softy. I commend that.

        And, I have tried it. Many times. Word to the wise: if you’re gonna give it a go, don’t wear your wool “unter hosen.” I’m still healing.

  13. Lady Lovely

    Well done my friend. You executed this roast with sheer perfection. I’m glad no cats got skinned in the making of this. Oh, and I’m with Amy, Adam’s Dumb Blog for some reason, sounds like a really good idea!

    • Adam S

      Don’t ever do that, Mike. It might weaken your writing. You’re an O.G. I really look up to what you do. The Val Ather stuff is some of the funniest, most original stuff I’ve ever come across. That’s when I started following and caught on to the rest of your writing.

      Keep pluggin’ away man. I fuck around with this stuff, but you got mad potential to actually pursue big league money. I’ll probably still be a blogger when it happens. Thanks for being a good sport.

      P.S. what kind of T Shirt you want? I’m launching a few out in a couple of minutes.

  14. Pingback: Dessert | Lady Lovely Blogger
  15. talesfromthemotherland

    Damned straight you said you wouldn’t… Good thing I’m now 6 hrs off your time zone, so it was a delayed reaction to find myself on the Barbie, baby. I’ll take Glen Close in her hotter, Fatal days, versus say… her woman impersonating a man—Albert Nobbs— days. And the fact that you mention a ring and a finger (knowing full well that I lost my own fingers in a train accident) and Becca in one sentence, is enough to keep my twisted self going… for another day. (And in a brief, softer aside: you too have brightened some harder days, my friend. Thanks for that. Did I miss something? What’s the new name? Did I win??!)

    • Adam S

      Thanks for being a good sport. You know I’m just doing this to fart around here, keep my writing sharp. I wouldn’t ever want you to stop humping the Adam and Becca show. You put the idea in my head, believe it or not. You and Red. If it weren’t for both of you, I might have pussed out.

      Enjoy your vacation. God I’m jealous right now. It’s almost the warm season here thank god. I need it so badly right now. And drink something with an umbrella in it for me!

      P.S. Oh, and because of distractions in recent months, there is currently no name yet. Aye…

      Coming very soon though! \m/

  16. Edward Hotspur

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve masturbated to this post. By law. Also, I can’t ever go back to that library ever again. How was I supposed to know there was a book fair going on?
    In celebration, since I already picked the name of this blog, I will now tell you the new theme song of this blog as well. It’s the least I could do! Literally. I couldn’t do less than this:

    • Adam S

      Dude, first off, I love this song. It’s fucking ridiculous but catchy. I’m listening to it as I type. I unfollowed you by accident just now. I’m on my iPad. The text jumps around when a comment loads. Following back now.

      As far as your “Big Adventure” goes(see what I did there? Pee Wee? nm), more power to you. Get the blood flowing back to your manhood. Thanks for the cool as post too. Right the fuck on, Hotspur! \m/

  17. Pingback: Hey Drama Queens! Look Over Here! | Edward Hotspur
  18. hastywords

    Didn’t you know? Hotspur really is a girl…disguised as a guy who might have been a girl but is being a girl who was once a guy. Or whatever…ya know what I mean??

  19. Pingback: I Like Mike. | Tales from the Motherland

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