5 Notorious Lines That I Always Get Stuck Waiting In


Maybe it’s the Yankee in me, but I absolutely hate waiting in lines.  See, I have this uncanny, superhuman, x-men-like ability to subconsciously locate and endure the absolute worst possible line in the history of checkout lines wherever I go.  Someone please contact Guinness.  It’s world record wait.  Every.  Single.  Time.

Tip:  if you ever happen across me standing in line someplace, even if you really wanna talk to me or get my autograph or something like that, don’t do it.  I’ll mail you an autographed picture of my bare buttocks – whatever you want – just do yourself a favor: go stand in the next checkout line over.  Even if its twenty senior citizens deep.  Trust me.

Here’s a brief list of typical scenarios that I face on a regular basis:

DSC_0999_LR

“Hey Coach, I don’t feel so good.”

Dairy Queen

Baseball Team:  sextuple (seven) scoop hot fudge brownie boat with sprinkles, half-fat caramel chocolate-mocha frappe drizzle, every single nut known to the Dominican Republic, freeze-dried watermelon rind puree, cat liver, fucking onions, and whatever else you got, lady.  After three bites, the kid doesn’t like it or throws it up all over the floor, or on my sweet tennis shoes, and it goes in the garbage.  What a surprise…

Grocery Store 

Extreme Couponer:  Suddenly surrounded by Cameramen emerging from behind counters and repelling from the ceiling by mountain climbing harnesses.  Price check on every item strategically packed into four carts.  Persistent, overly assertive TV-like drama and bickering with the underpaid juvenile checkout kid with a bone through his nose about the four pennies that should have been saved on twenty eight bags of egg-free noodles that will eventually be placed in a doomsday prepper bomb shelter in order to conduct a shelf life experiment.  All I wanted to buy was this stupid Carrot for my Salad.  And some cigarettes.  And maybe a pack of gum (impulse buy).

The Movies

Popcorn or Pretzels?  Butter or Salt?  Or both?  Or neither?  Frozen Coke or Regular Coke?  Jumbo or Mini?  Hot Dog or Pretzel?  Snowcaps or Twizzlers?  Eeny Meeny Miney Mo Catch a Tiger by His Toe, if he Hollars Shut the Fuck Up Already and Make a Decision, dummy.

The Bar

Extreme Couponer Fotoshopped

Extreme Couponer. Seller Beware.

Dude with a credit card buying a round of the most fantastically complicated shots known to man for every single douche bag in the entire Saloon except for me.  Turns around frequently to test the effectiveness of my eardrums by yelling to someone standing on the other side of the bar, which happens to be located somewhere in Paris, France, in order to let the person know that they are having a fucking insanely crazy-fun time getting loaded and preventing me from ordering my very simple Coors Light in a bottle which the bar doesn’t stock because not that many people drink it.  Credit Card decline in 3…2…1…

Eat a pile of it, putz…

The Fitting Room

Every changing stall filled with sophomore high school girls partaking in their daily after school fashion show.  Yes, please, keep teasing me (not like that, Chris Hanson of Dateline) by making me think that you’re finally done trying on every single halter top on the clearance rack when stepping outside of the stall every ten minutes only to provocatively strut toward the congregation of groupies standing in front of the trapezoid mirror, all simultaneously shifting their half-A cup boobs in front of the people that they ironically find *creepy.  I hope all your homecoming dates forget your tickets at their other girlfriends’ houses…

Oh, and a note aside:  Next time I’m gonna wait in the parking lot for you little cornballs to pack into the minivan at the designated pickup spot, then drive by you with my car that I am allowed to legally operate with my driver’s license.  All while fist pumping into the hot summer air.  See you at the movies…

*****

You know, I still have the right to bitch…  \m/

– Happy Blogging…on your iPad…while standing in line someplace.

Shoulda got the Raisinettes

Fotoshop Cameo.

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96 comments

  1. Katie

    This is ridiculously accurate, but since it’s warming up, the Dairy Queen one really resonates with me because this applies to literally every ice cream place. I didn’t know this many different baseball teams even existed in my neighborhood. The kids all smell, cut in line, and think we should all be rolling out the red carpet because they just won a game against the worst team in their division. …Congratulations, kiddos.

    • Adam S

      Katie, I really like ice cream. These monsters are impeding me getting from wanting ice cream to having ice cream. Ungrateful little twerps! No congrats! Your team sucks! All of them! (just kidding. kids are cool, I guess)

  2. DiatribesAndOvations.com

    Clearly, you’re not a coffee drinker of STARBUCKS would be at the top of your list. I remember when they used to be a fancy coffee shop but now that they’re a bakery selling “artisanal sandwiches” (WTF?) it takes twice as long to get a cup of coffee. Plus, all the regulars collect points so they’re all “use this card to put $25 on this card and then use this card to pay for my sandwich and then throw this card away”. UGH. It’s almost enough to make me brew my own coffee.

    PS: Colleen is right … you need to post more. You’re clever and fun and, I’m quite certain, unbelievably attractive.

    • Adam S

      You know, I brew my own coffee for that reason alone. Oh, and the fact that it costs something like 20 U.S. dollars for a small, black Starbucks cup of Jo. Bullshit. Overpriced bullshit. Gross panini caca poopoo sandwiches…

      Thank you for all the mad props! I’ll try my best!

  3. Cathy Ulrich

    This was great, true and hilarious. And I so identified with every one. But especially the couponer. My heart sinks whenever I’m in the checkout line in the grocery store and the woman in front of me (I’ve never seen a guy do this) pulls out 20 coupons from her purse. Seriously, “You just saved $2.30! Don’t you have anything better to do?” And I like it when you bitch, Adam. You’re funny! You have a gift, my friend.

    • Adam S

      Thanks so much for the props, Judo Master Cathy! I agree. I want to stiffly Judo chop those people in the jugular and drop them to the floor, then roll my cart over them with my groceries. “Oh, excuse me!”

  4. anitadesignstudio

    Never mind all this mumbo-jumbo about standing line; when do I get this buttock signed picture?? And make sure it’s in focus.

    • Adam S

      Unfortunately, I have a first generation digital camera which is, I believe, a 2 minor pixel. I took a picture and it looked like two skin-colored blocks. Bummer, yo!

      • anitadesignstudio

        That’ll do; send it over.

        But really we both know that you’re a filthy liar and wimped out!!! I thought I knew you; I don’t know you at all. AT ALL!!! The pain!! The anguish!! The misery!!

      • anitadesignstudio

        No! NO! I’M sorry!! ME!! I’m such a horrible person!! And at the same time I’m acutely aware how even though you were the one to cause my pain, anguish and misery to begin with, that I’m now blaming myself. Life is so unfair and confusing!! And all because of your buttocks Adam!! Your BUTTOCKS!! Damn your buttocks. Damn them!!

      • Adam S

        You know, Buttocks is one of those words that if you say it more than four times, it starts to sound really fucking funny. Try it. Buttocks. Buttocks. Buttocks. Sputtocks. Sputtocks. Sputtocks. Utux. Utux. Utux…

        Buttocks.

      • anitadesignstudio

        Haha! That’s so right! I remember this happening to me a few days ago. It started when I thought I had spelt a word incorrectly. So I started pronouncing it; to try and aid my spelling of it. The more I pronounced it; the more weird-ass it sounded. I quickly realised that I was getting nowhere fast.

        I used a different word.

        Bingo is one of those words that sounds funny the more you say it. Bingo. Bingo. Bingo. Boing. Boing. Boing.

        Buttock.

  5. twindaddy

    Oh, the coupon ladies are the worst. They have file organizers and shit. They pull that shit out and it’s ALWAYS some dramatic exchange when they are checking out. There should be a special lane open just for those fuckers with more than 5 coupons. Assholes.

  6. julesagray

    grow your own food, make your own clothes, brew your own beer, get netflix or just start looking at porn on the internet (there’s tons there, trust me) and make your own ice cream. Tis simple, really.

    • Adam S

      Um, that sounds a lot more complicated, Jules. I think I’d rather fall asleep in a line. You know a guy that used to hang around by the name of Jim Jones, by any chance? I think he was a Reverend or something..

  7. Rosie Baillie

    Queues suck, and that’s coming from a Brit. Note: popular to misconception we don’t actually aenjoy waiting in lines, we’re just too polite to cut in.

    The line I always get stuck in is at the cinema near me; it doesn’t matter what time of day it is or if there’s 2 or 20 people in front of you. I’ve missed the adverts and the start of a film just because I was waiting in a line, despite actually turning up on time.

    • Adam S

      Queues! I love it. That must be a Brit term, cause I just stopped staring at the screen – for the past five. You actually watch the advertisements? More waiting!!

      • Rosie Baillie

        Queues is a great word.
        Aha I do. Over here we have this thing called Orange Wednesdays where you get 2 tickets for the price of 1 if you’re on the Orange phone network, so the cinemas are really busy on Wednesdays so you have to get there early and sit through the adverts as you’d have no where to sit otherwise. Thankfully though, while watching the adverts we can engage in our favourite past time and moan about having to watch adverts! Save money and moan, it’s a win win situation.

  8. The Cutter

    My wife notoriously picks the wrong grocery store aisle. Doesn’t matter which one she picks. That will be the one where they need a price check and the manager is out back smoking.

  9. Lady Lovely

    Here I was thinking I just had no patience. Phew! I can go back to my regular scheduled thoughts when I’m forced to go to any store and stand in line.

      • Lady Lovely

        Why do people use self scan when they have a cart full of groceries and then can’t figure out how to scan and pay…oh that gets me every time. Why people wait to be the final total before they wait to get their wallets out. Why!!!! You know you have to pay, get ready man! The people who stand there and count out all of their coins to pay, just give a bill man, go home and sort out the change! Stop wasting my time. Things of that sort.

  10. becca3416

    I always get stuck behind people buying scratch offs at the gas station and treating the cash register as a slot machine with the cashier being the dealer. They buy tickets, scratch them off right there, and then buy more and repeat. Until they lose. And I am always behind someone with stupid luck THIS IS NOT A CASINO FUCKTARD!

    Anyway, I assure you that I am really a patient and pleasant young lady.

    Oh, and I agree with colleen and diatribesandovations on the MOAR POSTS PLEASE and unbelievable attractiveness of your dome. So there.

    • Adam S

      Hell yeah, I don’t like waiting for things anymore – not since the introduction of high speed Internet. I blame the cable company for turning me into a human flea. Hey, I’m just a produc of the times?!

      Thanks, yo!

  11. lillianccc

    Ah yes, the indecisive moviegoer who takes an hour to choose their snacks. By the time they’re done and it’s my turn, the movie’s half over.

    And does rush hour traffic count as lines? I always invariably get stuck in the one that stops moving right when I switch from another previously unmoving line. As soon as I move over, my new line stops moving and the old one starts going with each car driving an average of 80 mph.

    • Adam S

      “Please hold, your business is important to us. That’s why you are on hold listening to elevator music right now. Because we don’t want to pay anymore people to round out our skimpy staff. Because we wanna maximize our profits. I mean, please hold, your business is important to us…”

    • Adam S

      I am self checkout illiterate. Or something like that. “Please remove your item from the baggage tray and rescan it before placing it in the bag.”

    • Adam S

      Thanks, yo!! I appreciate the nod! All I have is a Polaroid that takes blurry pictures and they always get cut off…

      …the best I can do is one blurry buttcheek if that’s cool?

      • G

        No, I’ll pass this time. I hope this isn’t one of those decisions I regret forever… Thank you for the offer, yo!

  12. Ned's Blog

    This post reminds of something I’ve really been wanting to do in the grocery store line. You know how your change comes from a little change tower now instead of from the cashier? It always reminds me of a winning at a slot machine. The next time I get change, I’m going to start jumping up and down, shouting “I WON! WOOOOO! I’M A WINNER! HELL YEAH, BABY! I’VE BEEN TAGGING THIS MACHINE FOR MONTHS! ALL MINE, BIATCHES!” I’ll make sure you’re not behind me in line, though…

  13. cestlavie22

    Alright I gotta ask, the Fitting Room? Um where do you shop that you would be waiting for adolescent girls to change…as far as I can tell you are a man…which would mean you would try clothes on in the mens fitting room. Unless of course you are one of those men who need to wear women jeans because they need to be super tight…in that case my friend maybe our blogging friendship shall end here. In any case…try the mens department I hear the line is much shorter.

  14. The Hook

    Adam,
    Fate never gives us more than we can handle, buddy. Why do you think I encounter the strangest guests around?
    Hang in there!
    The Hook.

  15. Madame Weebles

    For me it’s always the supermarket or the line for Metrocards on the subway. I can feel my blood pressure going up just thinking about it. I feel your pain, bro.

  16. Pixie Girl

    Sorry for being a bit out of action, but hey, look what’s happening here! Loving the new name and all. The thing with queues is that I ALWAYS make the wrong choice if I switch. Like, you’re standing in the queue, and see the one next to you is way faster, so you move there… and the rest is history. Surely nothing beats IKEA for the most irritating queues ever!

    • Adam S

      Hey thanks, Pixie! I’ve been rather sporadic these days myself. But who gives a fuck. It’s finally warm out. I’m loving how all you Brits are throw in’ around the term, “queues”. Never even heard the term before this post. Top of the morn..er…evening to ya. Cherio!

  17. talesfromthemotherland

    Can’t tell you how many movie openings (or all of the previews) I’ve missed, waiting for my popcorn. Um, can’t sit through the movie without it, but I always seem to pick the line where the guy in front of me is ordering 1 of everything, altered. Border lane, to Canada, damned if we don’t pick THE worst line every f’ing time! My heart bleeds with you.

    • Adam S

      I always used to get stuck at the border behind the truck carrying 25 pounds of weed…Actually, no, just kidding. But that would have been a good story!

  18. littlemisswordy

    Where I live, an entire society runs on “the deli system” where appointments don’t exist and you take a number and wait and wait and wait some more. Also, if you’re old no matter how active or healthy you are (you got yourself to the grocery store after all), you automatically get to cut in line and check out before those that have been waiting and waiting and waiting. Yep, that’s my life. Great post my friend!

  19. singlegirlie

    Um, I challenge you to a line-picking duel, my friend. I am the best in the west at choosing the wrong line, anywhere. And the saddest part is, I actually analyze the lines first – weighing how many items vs. how many customers, are children present, cashier ethnicity (haha, just kidding so don’t freak out). AND I STILL PICK THE WRONG ONE. Every time. Another one I’m good at is picking the driving lanes on the freeway. I’ll merge into the lane that looks like it’s moving, and suddenly it will come to a screeching halt. That’s a fun game here in LA.

    By the way, why are you standing in line in the women’s fitting room, perv? Also, how many of those autographed naked butt pics you got lying around?

    • Adam S

      Well hello there, Ma’am! God, you go MIA for long stretches of time, but every time you come back, it’s as if no time was lost. I challenge you any day to a line-picking dual. Although, that’s gotta be pretty brutal out there. It’s like an anthill. With smog. You may have me beat…

      I was at Pacific Sunwear by the way. I did not design the fitting rooms, thank you very much! I thought it was weird too, believe me. Oh, and I’m fresh outta the auto’d ham pics. They sold like hotcakes!

      Don’t be a stranger, and I still owe you a guest post. \m/

      • singlegirlie

        Yes, yes you do! Will help take the pressure off me writing! 😉 I know I’ve been MIA. Lots of shit happening in ma life. I check in on Twitter more regularly. Microblogging much less of a commitment than regular blogging. I miss it though…

  20. Pingback: Spreading my wordseed III: Chowderhead. | Content Unrelated

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