**Disclaimer: Do not try this at home, dummy.
After submitting countless applications to participate in one of those paid studies in which the white-robed, clipboard-carrying people tie you up to a bunch of electrode-thingies and tape your eyes open for days on end, I was unfortunately denied, repeatedly, and labeled an unqualified candidate because of my excessive use of the word, fuck.
I’m slightly offended and deeply troubled that I will not be receiving any monetary rewards. However, I will not be denied the experience.
Because of this recent turn of events, and because I have nothing better to do, I’ve decided to conduct my very own, very informal, very unprofessional, and obviously, very stupid experiment, in which I will willingly subject myself to a semi-thorough, unsupervised sleep study.
My goal is to tie or break the current word record of 18 days, 21 hours, and 40 minutes without sleep. I will report back with my findings.
Here’s some scientific crap about sleep:
-According to most academic journals, the human body requires anywhere from 6 to 10 hours of sleep per night. (6 hours my ass!)
– Seventeen hours of sustained wakefulness leads to a decrease in performance equivalent to a blood alcohol-level of 0.05%. (That means that in three weeks I will feel like I drank a cement truck full of beer in approximately ten minutes.)
– It’s impossible to tell if someone is really awake without close medical supervision. People can take cat naps with their eyes open without even being aware of it. (Becca does that)
And here are some Tips for Sleeping Smart that I will not be following:
– Establish a regular bed and wake time *Note to Self: Put mattress on curb. Trash day tomorrow.
– Avoid nicotine altogether and avoid caffeine close to bedtime *Note to Self: Four cartons of Regulars, one Menthol. Also, Cigars. Maybe a pipe too if you can find a cheap one. Also, buy backup coffee grinder.
– Avoid alcohol *Note to Self: Stop by Chet’s on the way back from smoke shop to pick up beer bong that you left there last weekend.
– Exercise regularly (but complete the workout at least 3 hours before bedtime) *Note to Self: Finally purchase Chuck Norris workout machine from that late night infomercial. *Additional Note to Self: Use it a lot.
– Establish a consistent relaxing “wind-down” bedtime routine *Note to Self: Move drums to spot where mattress used to be.
– Create a sleep-conducive environment that is dark, quiet and comfortable *Note to Self: Energy Efficient bulbs on sale at CostCo right now. (Buy two get one free.)
What the hell am I getting myself into here…
Wish me luck.
– Happy Blogging, Chowderheads