The Sleep Deprivation Challenge Ends


Sleep Trial Photo 3

Photo taken mid-trial

I’m sad to announce that The Official Sleep Deprivation Challenge is now officially over.  Put down your Pom-poms and exit the bleachers in a single file line.  [Insert distraught emoticon face.]

At approximately the 120 hour mark of the competition, I face planted into a bowl of macaroni salad and woke up six days later to a beard, dozens of misc. stains on the upholstery, a roof full of mortar shell debris, a bathtub full of jelly beans (?), and a fucking cat that apparently lives here now (cat story coming soon).

My brain shut down after Day 2 of the challenge, making it difficult to write anything down other than “dur…”  But, by the power of Zues, I somehow managed to keep a daily log.

Here are a few entries from the remainder of the challenge: 

Day 3

Sleep Trial Photo 2

I think I’ll name him Jack. Or, “little demon cat that eats couches and ottomans”.

It’s now the third day of this ridiculously stupid feat attempt, and my pee has turned slightly dark brown.  I think It had something to do with the coffee.

I spent the afternoon looking for the molar that the Laundromat hag dislodged from my head the night prior. In between drooling fits and coffee shots, I eventually found it clutched in the hands of a…um…tooth fairy (?) – stuck to a piece of fly paper in the bathroom.  The shitty little bug wouldn’t give it back to me, and after it/he/she broke free, I had to chase it down with a swatter and a can of Raid.

Chowderhead: 1
Tooth hijacker: 0

Day 4

Another unproductive day.  I spent somewhere between 15 minutes and 8 hours trying to decide whether I should visit urgent care or go grocery shopping for more coffee beans.  I went grocery shopping.  I also discovered during that undetermined time frame that my hands look like feet but with longer, less-ugly toes.

At some point I developed this raging, pregnant lady-like craving for a waffle.  Damn you, craving!  I ended up cooking my wallet in the toaster by mistake.  (Way to go, dummy…)

While rummaging through my supplies, trying to find an appropriate cleaning product to remove burnt plastic from Formica, I accidentally dumped an entire gallon of ammonia on my Berber.  (Way to go, dummy, again…)

Somthang as wrang wif me.  Mert ber der amernerya.  Herd to terp lertters ernd werds.  I ternk I sherd orpen erp a wernder or sermthing…

Day 5

I keep repeating it in my head: Left.  Right.  Left.  Right.  Too much thought is being dedicated to maintaining basic motor skills now.  Everything is moving so fast around me – except for the clock.

Senior Citizens are blowing past me on the road at a twenty five mile per hour clip.  Slow down.  You are somebody’s Grandma and Grandpa.  Lives are at stake here.  Why am I feeling so emotional right now, diary?  People are so mean.  I can’t stop crying.  Please, Diary, help me stop crying.  I want a waffle.

Sleep Trial Photo 1

Derp!

WHERE IS MY FUCKING DRIVER’S LICENSE?!

*****
…So painful to read.  I’m feeling a bit verklempt as I look back and recount the horror. But, that’s all in the past now.  Lesson learned, cowboy.  No more sleep trial stuff for this Chowderhead.

In conclusion, get your beauty rest, people.  It’s important – more important than work, heavy metal, and even…be-…and even… bur-…it’s even more important than b-b-b-beer.

There, I said it.  (that was really hard to type).

-Happy Blogging, and Sweet Dreams, Chowderheads \m/  

P.S.S.  I want a waffle.

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74 comments

  1. Ambre

    Well you gave it a good try…and hey, you met the Tooth Fairy! How awesome is that!!! Also cats are awesome and evil at the same time, so beware! Your death may be being plotted as I type!

    • Adam S

      Ambre, yes, it was a valiant attempt. Failure is usually not an option, but in instances like these, the sandman always wins. I was doomed from the onset. Thank you for being a part of Team Chowderhead!

      I put the tooth fairy in my freezer. You want it for show and tell or something?

      • Ambre Neuser-Gajewski

        Best show and tell ever! Sure I’ll take her. As long as she isn’t too mouthy.

        You think you’ll attempt the opposite, and sleep as long as you can now that you have attempted sleep deprivation? Might be interesting. Think of the drug induced…I mean normal dreams you could have.

  2. anitadesignstudio

    Another witty and ever-so-slightly random story by the dude that likes to ‘rock’. I’m digging the new blog header – looks much more professional. Kudos 😉

    • Adam S

      That was the part that raised the largest amount of skepticism in most, yes. But I’m alive, Katie. That’s all that matters. That’s ALL THAT MATTERS!

    • Adam S

      What up, yo! I’m about to Google D-50 right now, hang on a sec…
      *
      *
      *cheesy elevator music*
      *
      *
      Thank you for holding. I’m well hydrated now, thank you for your concern. (Drinking a coffee right now (a diuretic.)I know.)))

    • Adam S

      Thanks, Tom. I’m typing this message from a booth at IHop. They need to do a better job cleaning up these booths. My shorts are glued to this bench…

      …gross!

  3. jennsmidlifecrisis

    Was beginning to wonder if you had landed in a home for the bewildered gluing macaroni and glitter to construction paper “cards”. Glad your alive! Check your toaster – you might just find your driver’s license (or what is left of it)!

  4. Jeff

    SOMEONE GET THIS MAN A GODDAMN WAFFLE.

    If I stay up past 10:30 I’m a zombie the next day (because I’m 90 on the inside, apparently) so I can’t even imagine staying awake as long as you did without ending up on the news for Hannibal Lectering someone’s face.

    Your pee must’ve smelled god-awful from all that coffee.

  5. Maddie Cochere

    But was it worth it? 😉
    I pop in to see what you’re up to, and I find you nearly killed yourself! No more world records for you!
    Dashing out now before you throw it in my face that the Tigers are presently kicking the Indians to the curb.
    xoxoxo

    • Adam S

      Hahaha! I haven’t even watched a single game yet, Maddie. I can’t afford cable ( insert smiley ). But since you brought it up! Eh, I don’t have the energy to heckle right now…

      I’m fine though, seriously. Totally recovered, well rested, full of waffles, and my pee isn’t brown anymore, which is a really good thing.

      I have another trick up my sleeve: have you heard about “Chowderhead’s Global Rock Hand Contest”?

  6. Jean

    I completely forgot I tried to comment on here yesterday, but my damn phone makes it way too difficult. I feel like the original sleep-deprivation experiment rat since I lost all my estrogen in a tragic accident, er . . . midlife. I can sleep for about 4 hours before waking up in a pool of my own sweat. After peeing and tripping over the dogs I am totally awake for the next 1-1/2 to 2 hours, during which I alternate between freezing and wanting to rip my own skin off because I’m so hot. Eventually, my temperature stabilizes and I am able to lull myself back into a deep, luxurious sleep 20 minutes before my alarm goes off. The experiment has cost me my spelling, vocabulary, and math skills. I no longer remember where I’m going, how I got there, or what I need to do once I’m there.

    What was the question?

  7. calahan

    So what is your next deprivation experiment going to be? I suggest doing a 5-day gravity deprivation experiment. Not sure how you would alter the laws of physics, but it would be entertaining to read about.

  8. Tom Nardone

    This was an awesome post. Anybody can type a bunch of words but to push the limit of self deprivation as you have takes a level of commitment that few will ever deliver. The Navy seals don’t sleep for the first six days of their training. I believe you are on par with them. But nothing is more important than heavy metal

    • Adam S

      Tom, you are obviously a well educated man, given that you recognize the importance of Heavy Metal (capitalize next time) in our daily lives. But, to compare me to a Navy Seal is like comparing a Twinkie to a German Chocolate Cake. I would fall asleep during the briefing…

  9. Pingback: Sleep Deprivation Olympic Challenge: Day 2 Results | Chowderhead

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