I’m sad to announce that The Official Sleep Deprivation Challenge is now officially over. Put down your Pom-poms and exit the bleachers in a single file line. [Insert distraught emoticon face.]
At approximately the 120 hour mark of the competition, I face planted into a bowl of macaroni salad and woke up six days later to a beard, dozens of misc. stains on the upholstery, a roof full of mortar shell debris, a bathtub full of jelly beans (?), and a fucking cat that apparently lives here now (cat story coming soon).
My brain shut down after Day 2 of the challenge, making it difficult to write anything down other than “dur…” But, by the power of Zues, I somehow managed to keep a daily log.
Here are a few entries from the remainder of the challenge:
It’s now the third day of this ridiculously stupid feat attempt, and my pee has turned slightly dark brown. I think It had something to do with the coffee.
I spent the afternoon looking for the molar that the Laundromat hag dislodged from my head the night prior. In between drooling fits and coffee shots, I eventually found it clutched in the hands of a…um…tooth fairy (?) – stuck to a piece of fly paper in the bathroom. The shitty little bug wouldn’t give it back to me, and after it/he/she broke free, I had to chase it down with a swatter and a can of Raid.
Tooth hijacker: 0
Another unproductive day. I spent somewhere between 15 minutes and 8 hours trying to decide whether I should visit urgent care or go grocery shopping for more coffee beans. I went grocery shopping. I also discovered during that undetermined time frame that my hands look like feet but with longer, less-ugly toes.
At some point I developed this raging, pregnant lady-like craving for a waffle. Damn you, craving! I ended up cooking my wallet in the toaster by mistake. (Way to go, dummy…)
While rummaging through my supplies, trying to find an appropriate cleaning product to remove burnt plastic from Formica, I accidentally dumped an entire gallon of ammonia on my Berber. (Way to go, dummy, again…)
Somthang as wrang wif me. Mert ber der amernerya. Herd to terp lertters ernd werds. I ternk I sherd orpen erp a wernder or sermthing…
I keep repeating it in my head: Left. Right. Left. Right. Too much thought is being dedicated to maintaining basic motor skills now. Everything is moving so fast around me – except for the clock.
Senior Citizens are blowing past me on the road at a twenty five mile per hour clip. Slow down. You are somebody’s Grandma and Grandpa. Lives are at stake here. Why am I feeling so emotional right now, diary? People are so mean. I can’t stop crying. Please, Diary, help me stop crying. I want a waffle.
WHERE IS MY FUCKING DRIVER’S LICENSE?!
…So painful to read. I’m feeling a bit verklempt as I look back and recount the horror. But, that’s all in the past now. Lesson learned, cowboy. No more sleep trial stuff for this Chowderhead.
In conclusion, get your beauty rest, people. It’s important – more important than work, heavy metal, and even…be-…and even… bur-…it’s even more important than b-b-b-beer.
There, I said it. (that was really hard to type).
-Happy Blogging, and Sweet Dreams, Chowderheads \m/
P.S.S. I want a waffle.
- Chowderhead’s Official Sleep Deprivation Olympic Challenge (thechowderhead.com)
- Sleep Deprivation Olympic Challenge: Day 1 Results (thechowderhead.com)
- Sleep Deprivation Olympic Challenge: Day 2 Results (thechowderhead.com)