Guest Speaker: Jeff, Content Unrelated


First and foreskin, I want to thank Adam for trusting his blog-space with my words. I’m happier than a stoner at a Funyun factory to be here, and I hope I can do Chowderhead some justice. If you have any questions, comments, concerns, or death threats, Adam’s got my email address.  Please contact him if you want to direct any hate mail my way.

– Jeff, Content Unrelated

Jeff

 Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff           

Conversations with Dogs  

“I wish you could talk, Fido.”

You hear it all the time in the movies. Some stupid little kid crying in his room because he got his ass kicked at school for being a stupid little kid, and his trusty dog is always there to tongue away his stupid little tears.

“If you could talk, you’d know what to say.  You know what to do!”

You think so, kid?

You really think Fido would know exactly what to say to make you feel better?  I mean, dogs are smart, don’t get me wrong.  I’m a dog-person.  I have two.  But I would never want my four-legged assholes to talk back.

They’ve Seen Too Much.

Plus, they wouldn’t really be able to go to school so it would be like talking to a 5-year-old.  They’d have a grasp on basic words and what things are, but it’s not like you could sit there and discuss your theories about LOST or do calculus together.

“I wish you could talk, Fido.”

Fuck that.

Just for kicks though, I wondered what it would be like if my dogs could actually have conversations with me:

Morning:  7 a.m.

Dog:  Hey.  Hey.  Wake up.

Me: Wh-what time is it?

Dog: It’s time for me to eat, human!

Me: Can you give me 15 minutes?

Dog: Sure, human! I will give you 15 minutes!

TWO MINUTES LATER…

Dog: Hey. HEY! Time to eat!  Eat eat eat!

Me: I said 15 minutes.

Dog: Stupid human! I have no concept of time!  Let’s go!

Me: *gets out of bed*

Dog: YAY!  Food food food food food food food.

Coming Home:

“After coming home from a long work day, all I want to do is enjoy some quiet, pants-less beer time. I have responsibilities, though. I knew what I signed up for, but goddamn, you guys…”

Me: *keys jingle while I unlock the door*

Dog: ATTENTION EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE APARTMENT BUILDING!  SOMEONE IS AT MY FRONT DOOR.  I WILL CONTINUE TO KEEP YOU INFORMED UNTIL THEY GO AWAY.  BE ADVISED.

Me: All right, all right!  I’m here!  I’m home!  You can relax now…

Dog: Relax?  Relax?!  You were gone forever!  I thought you were never ever ever going to come back!  I almost starved to death!  NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN.

Me: Okay, you ready to eat, boy?

Dog: I’m good for now, but thanks!

Me: But I thought you said you were starv–

Dog: I pooped over there, in the corner, and I just ate some of it.

Me:  WHAT THE FUCK.

Me: *grabs a paper towel*

Dog: No!  I’m saving that for later!

Flying Solo – Door Closed:

“If there’s one thing dogs do really well, it’s interrupting sexytimes, whether it be while flying a solo mission, or spending time with the lady friend.  If I don’t find an adequate distraction for the dogs when it’s business time, my testicles turn from a nice, fleshy white to a color that would qualify them as the fourth and fifth members of the Blue Man Group.”

Me: *click … click … click … play … unzip*

Dog: *scratch*

Dog: Human?  Human, are you in there?

Me: *tug … tug*

Dog: *bangs door*

Dog: HEY WHERE DID YOU GO? ARE YOU IN THERE?  COME OUT I MISS YOU!

Me: *blueballed*

Flying Solo – Door Open:

Me: *click … click … click … play … unzip*

Dog: *enters room … makes eye contact*

Dog: Hey!

Me: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!

Dog: Okay!

Dog: *comes right back into the room*

Dog: Hey!

Me: *blueballed*

Sexytimes – Door Closed:

* Same rules apply as FLYING SOLO (DOOR CLOSED), except minus one porn video and plus one actual woman.

Sexytimes – Door Open:

Me and her: *things start getting hot and heavy*

Dog: *realizes humans aren’t within sight*

Coitus Interruptus.

Coitus Interruptus.

Dog: Humans?  Where did you guys go?

Me and her: *blocking out distractions*

Dog: *enters room … immediately jumps on the bed*

Dog: OOH! Are you wrestling!  I love wrestling!  Can I play?  I wanna play!  Let’s play!

Me and her: *continuing to block distractions*

Dog: Something smells different!  Like dog-butt but not from a dog!  Is that you, human?

Me: What are you even talking abo—

Dog: *presses cold, wet nose directly into my asscrack

Me: OH MY GOD GET YOUR NOSE OUT OF MY ASS.

Dog: Sorry, human! I couldn’t resist! It smelled so good!

Me: *blueballed*

Dogs don’t just ruin private sexytimes. I can’t even take a shit without a furry, four-legged partner.

TAKING A SHIT:

Me: *sits on toilet*

Dog: *enters bathroom*

Me: Think I could have a couple minutes?

So... you gonna eat that?

So… you gonna eat that?

Dog: Sure! What are you doing?

Me: I’m … I’m pooping. Go.

Dog: Oh, sweet! I love pooping! How about since you watch me poop when we go outside, you let me watch you poop in here! Deal?

Me: Just … just give me like, two minutes. Please.

Dog: Are you sure I can’t watch?

Me: …

Dog: …

Me: …

Dog: …

Me: *plop*

Dog: *makes eye contact*

Dog: I’m going to watch.

*****

“I wish you could talk, Fido.”

Fuck you and your asshole dog, kid.  There’s a reason dogs can’t talk.  They say enough with their barking and tail-wagging and interrupting of Sexytimes…

****

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52 comments

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    • Jeff

      I feel like it would be a much shorter post.

      Human: Hey, cat! I’m home!
      Cat: Ugh. Finally. What took you so long? Feed me so I can continue to ignore you.
      Human: Oh…
      Cat: Also, there was shit in my box, so I shit outside my box. You’ll need to take care of those things. I will not shit in a pre-shat box.

      • singlegirlie

        My kitten tries to eat me every day. My hands, my feet. No planning involved. He just goes for it. My mornings are like:

        Kitten (in my face): Hey, I’m awake! Wake the fuck up!! WAKE! THE! FUCK! UP! … HELLO?! DID YOU NOT HEAR ME? I SAID WAKE THE FUCK UP! (Bites chin.)
        Me: Ow! No bite! (Puts kitten outside bedroom and closes door.)
        Kitten: WHAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUCK, MOTHERFUCKER?!? ARE YOU KIDDING? COME AND GET ME RIGHT NOW, SHITHEAD!!! I AM *DYING* OUT HERE!!!! I AM LITERALLY DYING!!!! OH, THE HUMANITYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Jeff

      I could never close the door. Mine, unfortunately, have no meaning of the word “patience.” So it’s poop with an audience for me.

  3. Adam S

    Jeff, this was a hilarious piece. I’m not a dog owner, but after reading about the wet nose in the butt crack thing, I might have to run out and buy one. Oh, and some Peanut Butter too.

    Did I just say that out loud?

  4. The Cutter

    Awesome. I once let my dog watch me have sex. He just calmly watched, didn’t even get up or anything. It really bothered the girl for some reason.

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  6. Pingback: Conversations with Cats | Chowderhead

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