Conversations with Cats

Stop this nonsense!  Put me down!

Stop this nonsense! Put me down!

Last week, Jeff from Content Unrelated gave us a take on what it would be like if dogs could speak in a post titled, Conversations with Dogs.  Today’s piece is dedicated to a much more refined species of carpet-dwelling home-wrecker.  If you don’t feel like reading the rest, here’s the Cliff Notes Version:  Don’t ever buy a cat.  The end.  


My freshly adopted step-cat, Jack, is quickly becoming the bane of my existence.  I recently acquired him in a package deal along with my  girlfriend.  Despite being warned about the inevitable havoc that would take place upon his arrival, I welcomed Jack into my home with loving embrace.

A few weeks later, the only embracing going on between me and Jack is when my hands are wrapped around his neck.

I don’t know much about ’em, but I’m pretty sure the common house cat, or Felis Catus, is a genetic hybrid of the North American Grey Squirrel, the Common Raccoon, and a Badger.  My theory would explain why  cats don’t like to be touched, spend a lot time burrowing in furniture, and scratch holes in stuff that previously did not have holes in it.

Like guest-poster Jeff, I often wonder what it would be like if Jack could talk. Our conversations would probably be brief, unproductive, and go something like this:

The Kitchen

I am a figment of your imagination, dipshit.

I am a figment of your imagination, dipshit.

Adam:  Jack, get off the counter.

Jack:  I’m not on the counter.  I’m on your coffee maker.

Adam:  Get off the coffee maker.

Jack:  Make me.

Adam:  *Gets up angrily*

Jack:  Ok Ok!  I’m sorry!  I’m getting down now.

Jack:  *Jumps off counter*

Adam:  *Sits back down*

Jack:  *Jumps onto counter*

The Living Room

Adam:  Stop scratching my Ottoman.

Jack:  Why?

Just wait until you leave...

Just wait until you leave…

Adam:  Because you’re destroying it.  Use the scratch post I bought you.

Jack:  That thing sucks.  I like your Ottoman better.

Adam:  I said knock it off.

Jack: (yelling) I’m having a hard time hearing you right now because my claws are making so much noise on the corner of your Ottoman!

Adam:  *Gets up angrily*

Jack:  Ok, I’ll stop!

*saunters off*

Jack:  Geez, what crawled up your ass…

Jack:  (muttering)  That thing’s ugly anyways…

The Bathroom

Adam:  Jack, stop drinking  out of the toilet.

Jack:  I would if you changed the water in my dish once in awhile…

Adam:  I just did.  Like, fifteen minutes ago?

Jack:  What’s your point?

Jack Drinking 1 Jack Drinking 2

The Bedroom

Adam:  Jack, where are you?

Jack:  Jack’s not in here.

Adam:  Where are you hiding?

Jack:  I’m definitely not hiding in your box spring, so don’t waste your time looking in here.

*Lifts up bed skirt*

Adam:  How the hell did you get in there?

Jack in his Office.

Jack in his Office.

Jack:  That’s classified information.

Adam:  Get out of there. 

Jack:  No.

Adam:  Now! 

Jack:  Go away.  I’m reading.

Adam:  *Shakes bed*

Jack:  Yeah, keep shaking the bed, caveman!  I’m not coming out!

Bath Time

Adam:  *Reaches to pet Jack*

Jack:  *Stops cleaning himself*

Adam:  …?

Jack:  What the hell are you doing?

Adam:  What?

Jack Bath 3 Jack Bath 1  Jack Bath 2 Jack Bath 4

Jack:  Do I bother you while you’re bathing?

Adam:  No?

Jack:  Then get lost.

Adam:  …

Jack:  *Resumes cleaning*

Play Time

Adam:  Jack, what are you eating?

Jack:  A salad.

Adam:  That’s not a salad, buddy.  It’s catnip.

Jack:  What’s catnip?

Adam:  It’s like weed, but for cats.

Jack:  Oh.  That might explain why I feel kinda funny right now.

Adam:  Don’t eat anymore.  You’ll get sick.

[5 minutes later]

Jack:  *rolls around on floor*

Jack:  I feel incredible right now.  I want to touch your leg with my face.

Adam:  Um, ok?

*Rubs face on leg*

Jack:  I’m sorry for being so inconsiderate lately.  It’s uncharacteristic of me…

Adam:  …?

Jack:  Can I sit on your lap?

Adam: You’re acting weird right now.

Jack:  I just want you to pet me.


Jack:  *hops on lap*

Adam:  (petting Jack)  You know, you’re pretty cool when you’re not acting like an obstinate child.

Jack:  (purrs) Mmm, yes.  Yes, right there.  That’s the spot.

Jack pet 2 Jack pet 1

Adam:  So, any big plans tomorrow?

Jack:  I try not to think that far ahead.

Adam:  …?

Jack:  Why are people always so consumed by what comes next?  To the right a little more.

Adam:  …

Jack:  Such a terrible waste of a life, you know?  Just throwing away precious moments like –

Adam: What?  What’s the matter?

Jack:  (Burp)  I don’t know.  My stomach feels funny.

Adam:  Get off the couch.  Now.

Jack:  (Licking lips)  I’m fine.  It was just a burp.

Adam:  Crazy cat lady, I think you’re cat’s gonna hurl.  Do something!

Jack:  *Heaving*

Adam:  *Dives for paper towel*

Adam: (Slow Motion)  NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cat Barf 1

Adam: …

Crazy Cat Lady:  Jack, you poor baby!

Adam:  My floor…

Jack:  That’s what you get for giving me drugs!

Adam:  Remind me to strangle you.

Crazy Cat Lady:  Hey, what are you doing with that camera?

Adam:  Nothing.

Crazy Cat Lady:  Don’t take my picture!

Adam:  Relax!  I’m not going to take your picture.  I’m just checking the flash…

Becca Cat Barf 3*****

I love you, Jack.  You little shithead.

-Rock On, Chowderheads \m/


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  5. Rose Slone

    Greaaaat article! As a proud former cat owner (3), it was great reminiscing with you. My cat loved the box springs too. Wait till he tells you you aren’t cleaning out the litter box often enough for his taste. (Hint: when he misses the letterbox, or chooses the pile of clothes on the floor instead). Now I have two Huskies (for a change of pace, literally), and now the dialogue is…”Stop digging up that rose bush right now. Koda, don’t make me come out there.”

    • Adam S

      Thanks, Rose! I really appreciate you droppin’ by for a couple of reads. It looks like I found myself a new fan! \m/

      I haven’t run into the litter box issue yet, but I do know that if I ever get a cat and it’s a *he, his male parts won’t be coming back to my place with him.
      Cat urine has gotta be the most repulsive smell on the planet…

      Good luck with the Koda vs. the rose bush saga. I’m sure you could easily make a compilation outta him too!

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  8. Pepper Culpepper

    Most cats suck. They scratch, meow, shit on stuff and ignore you. I was lucky to learn that pure breeds are much nicer to have around. I had a Siamese cat named Bella who let me take her for walks on a leash. Then I got a Maine Coon named Annabelle and she must have thought she was a dog because I could lock her in any room of the house and she would not try to claw her way out, nor would she so much as let out a peep. She loved to sit on my head, my shoulders, my lap and follow me around the house like a little dog. The only really annoying thing about Annabelle was when she would get mad because you weren’t loving on her enough. One time, she ran across my bed and literally punched me in the face. When I asked her what her problem was, she said, “Get the fuck up and pet me. Now.”

    • Chowderhead

      Wow, I just made this stuff up! Your dog has magical powers, and I would seriously consider contacting Mario Lopez to see if you can bring her in to do one of those pet trick things. I’m also impressed that your cat will let you walk it on a leash. Tried that once. It was more like fishing, than walking…

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