Last week, Jeff from Content Unrelated gave us a take on what it would be like if dogs could speak in a post titled, Conversations with Dogs. Today’s piece is dedicated to a much more refined species of carpet-dwelling home-wrecker. If you don’t feel like reading the rest, here’s the Cliff Notes Version: Don’t ever buy a cat. The end.
My freshly adopted step-cat, Jack, is quickly becoming the bane of my existence. I recently acquired him in a package deal along with my girlfriend. Despite being warned about the inevitable havoc that would take place upon his arrival, I welcomed Jack into my home with loving embrace.
A few weeks later, the only embracing going on between me and Jack is when my hands are wrapped around his neck.
I don’t know much about ’em, but I’m pretty sure the common house cat, or Felis Catus, is a genetic hybrid of the North American Grey Squirrel, the Common Raccoon, and a Badger. My theory would explain why cats don’t like to be touched, spend a lot time burrowing in furniture, and scratch holes in stuff that previously did not have holes in it.
Like guest-poster Jeff, I often wonder what it would be like if Jack could talk. Our conversations would probably be brief, unproductive, and go something like this:
Adam: Jack, get off the counter.
Jack: I’m not on the counter. I’m on your coffee maker.
Adam: Get off the coffee maker.
Jack: Make me.
Adam: *Gets up angrily*
Jack: Ok Ok! I’m sorry! I’m getting down now.
Jack: *Jumps off counter*
Adam: *Sits back down*
Jack: *Jumps onto counter*
The Living Room
Adam: Stop scratching my Ottoman.
Adam: Because you’re destroying it. Use the scratch post I bought you.
Jack: That thing sucks. I like your Ottoman better.
Adam: I said knock it off.
Jack: (yelling) I’m having a hard time hearing you right now because my claws are making so much noise on the corner of your Ottoman!
Adam: *Gets up angrily*
Jack: Ok, I’ll stop!
Jack: Geez, what crawled up your ass…
Jack: (muttering) That thing’s ugly anyways…
Adam: Jack, stop drinking out of the toilet.
Jack: I would if you changed the water in my dish once in awhile…
Adam: I just did. Like, fifteen minutes ago?
Jack: What’s your point?
Adam: Jack, where are you?
Jack: Jack’s not in here.
Adam: Where are you hiding?
Jack: I’m definitely not hiding in your box spring, so don’t waste your time looking in here.
*Lifts up bed skirt*
Adam: How the hell did you get in there?
Jack: That’s classified information.
Adam: Get out of there.
Jack: Go away. I’m reading.
Adam: *Shakes bed*
Jack: Yeah, keep shaking the bed, caveman! I’m not coming out!
Adam: *Reaches to pet Jack*
Jack: *Stops cleaning himself*
Jack: What the hell are you doing?
Jack: Do I bother you while you’re bathing?
Jack: Then get lost.
Jack: *Resumes cleaning*
Adam: Jack, what are you eating?
Jack: A salad.
Adam: That’s not a salad, buddy. It’s catnip.
Jack: What’s catnip?
Adam: It’s like weed, but for cats.
Jack: Oh. That might explain why I feel kinda funny right now.
Adam: Don’t eat anymore. You’ll get sick.
[5 minutes later]
Jack: *rolls around on floor*
Jack: I feel incredible right now. I want to touch your leg with my face.
Adam: Um, ok?
*Rubs face on leg*
Jack: I’m sorry for being so inconsiderate lately. It’s uncharacteristic of me…
Jack: Can I sit on your lap?
Adam: You’re acting weird right now.
Jack: I just want you to pet me.
Jack: *hops on lap*
Adam: (petting Jack) You know, you’re pretty cool when you’re not acting like an obstinate child.
Jack: (purrs) Mmm, yes. Yes, right there. That’s the spot.
Adam: So, any big plans tomorrow?
Jack: I try not to think that far ahead.
Jack: Why are people always so consumed by what comes next? To the right a little more.
Jack: Such a terrible waste of a life, you know? Just throwing away precious moments like –
Adam: What? What’s the matter?
Jack: (Burp) I don’t know. My stomach feels funny.
Adam: Get off the couch. Now.
Jack: (Licking lips) I’m fine. It was just a burp.
Adam: Crazy cat lady, I think you’re cat’s gonna hurl. Do something!
Adam: *Dives for paper towel*
Adam: (Slow Motion) NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Crazy Cat Lady: Jack, you poor baby!
Adam: My floor…
Jack: That’s what you get for giving me drugs!
Adam: Remind me to strangle you.
Crazy Cat Lady: Hey, what are you doing with that camera?
Crazy Cat Lady: Don’t take my picture!
Adam: Relax! I’m not going to take your picture. I’m just checking the flash…
I love you, Jack. You little shithead.
-Rock On, Chowderheads \m/
- How do I stop my cat from scratching my furniture? (petsahoyuk.wordpress.com)
- How-To: Cat Scratch Feeder (makezine.com)