Testing the Integrity of your Local Psychic Reader

I’m a skeptic when it comes to pretty much everything.  I also realize that the previous statement is about as obvious as a forehead zit in a senior yearbook photo.  But for some reason, whenever a strange gypsy lady lays out a deck of creepy-looking playing cards and tells me I’m gonna be wealthy, get married to Jessica Biel in Santa Cruz, and have three kids and a Pontoon Boat, my ears perk up.

Way to go, dum dum... Photo Credit:  Break.com

Way to go…
Photo Credit: Break.com

Sadly, there are too many naive people like me in this world, cart-wheeling around with their thumbs up their butts, more than willing to waltz in and bend over for anybody that has a business card with the word Psychic on it.  Which begs the question:

Is your Psychic really telling the truth?

The answer:


But because of the dramatic influx of amateur fortune-teller talent over the past few decades, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to identify authentics like Sylvia Browne, Ms. Cleo, and Madamme Weebles from the average con.

Before you eagerly toss a loaf of cashola into the lap of a potential fraud, be aware that there are foes lurking in your Psychic Friends Network.  Consider the following tips to avoid getting scammed the next time you pop in for a glimpse of the what’s-to-come.

Never trust a Medium that:

– Furnishes the reading room with white retro leather furniture and a Jim Morrison poster.
– Is wearing an “inside psychic-joke” t-shirt that says, “I knew you were gonna say that”.
– Begins a session with a pop-voodoo ritual asking the candidate to make a wish, followed by waving his/her hard-earned cash over the deck like a magician’s wand and repeating a mantra like, “highsy lowsy here we goesy”.

A lot better now that I know I'm gonna be in Santa Cruz next weekend!

A lot better now that I know I’m gonna be in Santa Cruz next weekend.

– Offers any up sells under their Psychic Goods and Services Umbrella.  ie. mystical shampoos and body products, polished rocks, holistic witch serums, or spousal surveillance.
– Wears a green plastic poker visor.
– Claims to be picking up messages from the abyss from a non-human source, like a deceased pet cat.
– Speaks artificially broken-English.
– Asks questions that they should already know the answers to.  ie. You have a woman in your life, no?
– Offers a coupon package like, “buy 2 readings, get 1 free”.
– Drives a Volkswagon bus.


Of course, this list doesn’t guarantee you’ll weed out every dingleberry clairvoyant on the market – that’s your responsibility.   Use your own intuition when shopping for a reliable fate-sayer.  The last thing you want is to find yourself prematurely setting your work desk on fire with a bucket of kerosene after learning of a non-existent trust fund inheritance.

But if it turns out that you are in fact a beneficiary, toss me a bone, will ya?  *wink


– Keep your friends close, but keep your Psychic Friends even closer, Chowderheads \m/


    • Adam S

      Oh my god, I love that chick!! Mad TV is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomuch funnier than SNL. Way better talent.

  1. Christopher De Voss

    In Florida we have a town called Cassadega which has nothing but psychics, spiritual healers, mediums, and the like in it. They have stores for selling crystals, books, pendants, etc. as well. It’s cool and creepy at the same time.

  2. anupturnedsoul

    Great post!
    I’ve been to a few psychics, ages ago when I was curious about such things. The fact that I have never been to visit another one since that time pretty much says what I think of it. It has a purpose if you need it, but we know what our most likely future will be based on what is going on in the now.
    One was a woman who had the classic off the street shop with big neon palm in window. She told me I had a curse upon me which she could banish if I paid her several thousands of dollars. I decided to live with the curse. One was a sweet and crazy old crone who invited people into her tiny flat, and seemed to enjoy the company of strangers more than anything else. One was a well known psychic who made the whole experience cloak and dagger because she had to be very careful who she met with due to being high profile, but it was a very boring experience other than the gauntlet I had to run to meet her and it took place in a very busy restaurant, so how she tuned into anything at all… And one was a cheeky chap in a booth at a New Age complex. He was cheap and cheerful, told me stuff I wanted to hear and we had a laugh and that was that.

      • anupturnedsoul

        To be as honest as I’m ever going to be… Apart from the curse thingy, I don’t remember much of what they said. The woman in the restaurant said I should go into publishing, and the cheeky chappy said I was going to be in the public eye, but he didn’t say how exactly or whether it would be a good thing or a bad thing… this was before the internet. So I guess both came true as I blog and tweet and do social media stuff. Ha!

  3. Ambre

    The last psychic I saw ended up getting arrested for kidnapping. Weird! I am a sucker for a tarot card reading though!

  4. Madame Weebles

    So what you’re saying is, I should lose the “I knew you were going to say that” t-shirt?

    And thanks for the shout-out—by the way, Spirit tells me that you and the redhead will stumble upon a bag of money this weekend—big money, like thousands of thousand dollar bills. Keep it—the owner skipped town very suddenly. But make sure Jack doesn’t know about it, otherwise he’ll insist on you spending the money on cat toys.

    • Adam S

      Madame, keep the shirt, and the pleasure of mentioning an authentic psychic like yourself is all mine.

      Oh, and thanks for the free reading. ( it was free, right?) I sincerely hope your spirit is correct because I could really use some extra thousand dollar bills these days. We both could, actually. And fuck Jack. He owes me an ottoman before he gets anything else outta me. (Sorry boo <3).

  5. gardenscatsandmore

    I really like someone with a great sense of humor. Thanks for the chuckles. I went to a psychic once in San Francisco in 1965. I’m still waiting for the large inheritance. But hay, there is still time. I haven’t died yet. 🙂

    • Adam S

      Well, then you probably really like ME. I like me too for the same reason! I’m glad your alive too, and I’m pullin’ for ya as far as that really-late-arriving inheritance goes…

      Wait, San Francisco? 1965?! Hell. Yeah. I love hippies!

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