Paranormal Housekeeping


After a recent turn of bizarre and unexplainable events, I have no choice but to assume that the previous tenant of my unit has moved back in.  What I’m trying to get at is that there’s a poltergeist living rent-free at the Chowderhead Headquarters.

Every time I come home something’s out of place. And then I start second guessing myself:

“Did I leave the pencil on that side of the counter, or was it this side?”

“How did the milk end up back in the fridge?  Wait, did I even drink milk tonight?”

This has nothing to do with ghosts.  But, I do wanna hang my hand towel from this guy's face.

This has nothing to do with ghosts. But, I wanna hang my towel from this dude’s face.

“Hmm.  I don’t remember leaving that couch in the middle of the fucking living room?”

I’m starting to get used to it.  As a matter of fact, I don’t even really mind these paranormal shenanigans anymore.  What I do mind is that the dead jerk that’s lounging around here free of charge isn’t pulling his weight when it comes to maintaining the house.

I’m only surmising, but it seems that after people cross over, domestic responsibility goes out the window (that I don’t remember leaving open) because every single ghost that I’ve ever not-exactly-encounted doesn’t do anything around the house except stand, float around, move unimportant objects from one side of the room to the other, or bang on shit.  I’d like to offer a suggestion to these still-lingering, free-loading spirits:

PICK UP A FUCKING TOILET BRUSH AND START EARNING YOUR KEEP!

Geez, what are you even doing here if you’re just gonna float around and stare at people?  There is work to be done here.  The vegetable drawer of my fridge looks like a penicillin experiment and all you ever manage to do is stand at the foot of my queen-sized at night with a flashlight on your face.

Leave me alone.  Your business is done here.  If you wanna talk you’ll have to wait a little while longer.  If not, make yourself a little more useful around the casa.  Your swifter-duster-phobic asses do nothing for the living, with the exception of driving us all to the mental illness tabs of WebMD.

Then again, maybe the people that chose to stick around for a couple centuries longer are here for some important reason.  You know, unfinished business.  Like, looking for a lost wallet or keys or something.  Or maybe it’s just to drive me out of my mind.  Either way, do us all a favor:

Walk.  To.  The.  Bright.  Dot.

Good riddance, you lazy pests!

– Keep your night lights on, Chowderheads \m/

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47 comments

  1. sondrabrooks

    The need for you to pull it back a bit on the beer is obvious, but how about cutting back on the hits, too?
    XXOO
    Sondra

  2. Christopher De Voss

    I think my house is haunted as well. If you sit downstairs in the living room, sometimes it sounds like someone is walking upstairs. It doesn’t sound like a house settling, it really sounds like footsteps. Of course when you go upstairs….nothing. As long as they don’t pull me out of bed in the middle of the night and make me kill people, I’m alright with it.

  3. Rose Slone

    Not all ghosts are bad. There have also been a couple of times when my Mom has come to my aid, helping me find an important document, or helping me “unlock” the door when I locked myself out. However, I admit, it would be nice if she helped out with a little light housekeeping. Mom? Are you listening?

    • Adam S

      Rose, I completely agree. I don’t think my ghost was a harmful one – it was only playing games with me, when it should have been giving me a hand with the floors…

      I was seriously on edge when it was happening.

  4. Wendy Brydge

    Adam, I think perhaps it’s time you call in some professional help. No, not the Ghostbusters. Scooby Doo. They work cheap — just pick up a box of Scooby Snax at the dollar store and you’re good to go. But make sure they’re not made in China. You’ve got enough trouble with your free-loading spirits, you don’t need a dead dog on the living room floor. (Who put THAT there!? Or more importantly, who’s gonna clean it up!?) And I know Daphne’s hot stuff, but try to keep your mitts off-a her. Freddy hates that shit. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he’s sweet on her. Or she’s secretly his sister…

    • Adam S

      I never understood the Freddy-Daphne connection, personally. I always wondered why he never made a move?!! And by the way, I tried hiring the cast of Ghost Adventures.

      They politely declined…

  5. michelelishka

    My poltergeist enjoys throwing my razor into the toilet and making sure that the tub to shower switch is on shower when I turn the tap on so every morning I get a very cold spray of water. I really wish it would just do the dishes I have piled on the counter instead.

    • Adam S

      I think taking a cold shower in the morning is on the list of “Cruel and Unusual Punishments” in the U.S., if I’m not mistaken. Oh, and Michele: wash that razor. You don’t want to spread any contaminants. \m/

  6. itsmesammies

    I am a skeptic and don’t believe in ghosts, but if I come back for some reason, I’ll be sure to heed this advice, The toilets will always be clean where I’m haunting 😉 Great post for a lunch time laugh! Love it!!

  7. Ambre Neuser-Gajewski

    Get some sage, burn it, and tell the ghost it is not welcome! But I totally agree with you. My sister has a ghost in her house, all it does is make her animals go nuts and start barking or meowing like crazy. Its very annoying. Now helping do the laundry or clean the bathroom, that just makes more sense!

      • Ambre

        Yeah its kinda creepy. Specially when the dog is barking at a corner and whimpering, and your trying to watch TV or read or something but can’t stop watching the dog and think “what the fuck is in my house.”

  8. ddupre315

    Dude, ghosts are there just to bug the hell out of you, not to make your life easier. If they started doing your chores they’d be laughed at in the ghost club and jeered at by their elder ghosts.

    • Adam S

      I think it’s a dog actually, Amy. Remember, dogs don’t have opposable thumbs, which would explain the inability of this spirit to clutch a swifter handle. RAWF! RAWF!

  9. calahan

    Don’t be a fool, Adam. Make friends with the ghost. If you two are smart, you can work together and improve both of your situations. Ghost can begin haunting the upscale apartment you’ve been eyeballing, until no one will ever want to live there. Except you, of course. The rent will be practically nothing due to the “hauntings” and you and the ghost get a kick-ass pad to share.

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  12. Tom Nardone

    NO NO shiiiiiiit No!! They have no business in your home. You did not kill them. They pay no rent and just want to hang around like a they are your college dropout son? That is bullshit. They are just lazy. They are in a house that they are bored out of their mind in, and they cant even float over next door to see if there might me something else they might want to do. So they just have to mess with your stuff to entertain them selves. Spirits it is time to haul you ghostly asses on out of there. You owe them SHIT!

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