10 Things You Didn’t Know About the Star Wars Universe


Twindaddy takes the stage today with a behind the scenes look at some obscure Star Wars facts.  I was unaware of all of them.  In fact, it doesn’t matter because I’ve never even saw the movies.  But, I’ll be watching the series this Wednesday for the first time, and take a Star Wars aptitude test on Thursday.  I need to study a bit.  I’m not good at studying.  Anyways, take it away, dude!

You can scour the internet for hours searching for useless Star Wars facts and never run out of material to read. Star Wars is an uncontrolled locomotive of popularity [Editor’s note:  hmm] and has made creator George Lucas billions upon billions of moneys.

If you search all of these sites, blogs, and message boards looking for “facts you didn’t know” about Star Wars you’ll notice one glaring element missing from every list: none of them are written by anyone from the Star Wars universe; they’re all written by nerds, geeks, and fanboys [Editor’s Note:  True, very true].

My name is Twindaddy and I am a stormtrooper in the Imperial Army. There is a portal hidden in my living room closet which transports me between Earth and the Star Wars universe, where I am known as Drun Kenman (clever, ain’t it?). Having unrestricted access to the Star Wars universe means I know things that those nerds, geeks and fanboys couldn’t possibly know. I know these things because I’ve experienced them firsthand, and didn’t see them in a movie or read them in a book.

I have decided to share some of those facts here today, because Chowderhead fucking rocks [Editor’s Note:  Recant previous Editor’s Notes]. So your reward for being a loyal reader of Chowderhead is the following list of 10 things you didn’t know about the Star Wars universe. Things that you won’t find on any other blog, message board, or website.

10 Things You Didn’t Know About the Star Wars Universe:

1.) Kissing your siblings to make a potential mate jealous is an ancient Alderaanian custom. Sadly, since the planet has been blown away there aren’t many people left to confirm this. But Princess Leia did.

It works, too. Look at Han. He's pissed.

It works, too. Look at Han. He’s pissed.

2.) Gungan meat is considered a delicacy on most worlds now. This is a recent development, however. The galaxy was unaware of this until Jar Jar was skewered and eaten.

Meesa for dinner!

3.) Princes Leia’s hair stylist was a pastry chef prior to being hired by the Alderaanian princess.

Cinnabuns!

4.) Wampas are the result of Wookiee inbreeding.

wookiee_imbreeding

5.) It’s a common misconception that the dark side has cookies. I fell for that line when I signed up for the Empire, and was livid upon finding out I’d been duped. Livid!

Bullshit!

6.) Padme Amidala‘s relationship with Anakin Skywalker was, sadly, not the first time she “rocked the cradle of love.” There was an incident with a younger boy while she ruled Naboo as its queen. Luckily for her, it was kept out of the press by then Senator Palpatine and some cunning media manipulation.

Keep your children away from me.

7.) Jabba the Hutt was once a fit and athletic gastropod until his thyroid failed and he ballooned into the immobile pile of flab choked to death by Princess Leia.

jabba_fatty

8.) It is widely believed that Darth Vader’s required breathing apparatus is needed because the Dark Lord of the Sith inhaled the scorching, toxic air of Mustafar while his body burned just inches away from a molten river of lava, thus torching the insides of his lungs. The reality is that it was the result of a party trick gone horribly awry. Vader had taken an interest in ventriloquism and was attempting to make his dummy talk while downing a flaming alcoholic beverage. The shot went down the wrong hole, flooding his lungs with fiery liquor and rendering them essentially useless. The “trick” was a hit, but for all the wrong reasons.

flaming shots

9.) It is widely assumed that Count Dooku left the Jedi Order due to ideological differences. Chief among those is that Dooku had become a Sith Lord, which the Jedi seemed to frown upon. While it’s true Dooku did eventually become a Sith Lord, it is untrue that he voluntarily left the Jedi Order. Dooku was, well, a perv. He was using the Force to disrobe unsuspecting women he found attractive. Then he would follow up with horribly cheesy pick up lines such as, “Would you like to feel the Force?” or “I’d like to shine my light on your dark side.” The Order tolerated it as long as they could but eventually had to part ways with the salacious Jedi Master.

And she told me to get lost. Man, why can’t they all be weak-minded?

10.) The Force has a will and wants what it wants, but did you know that sometimes the Force can go back and change the past? For instance, while I was stationed Tatooine there was a shooting in the Mos Eisley Cantina. All witnesses originally remember a human shooting a Rodian. One blaster bolt fired, one fried green Rodian. But as time wore on the Force changed things. Witnesses now remember two blaster bolts being fired. They now remember the man inhumanly jerking his head to the left to dodge a bolt fired by the Rodian then torching the alien with a return shot. There are now blaster burns on the wall behind where the human was sitting. Most people don’t even realize that the past has changed, but I must be too strong-willed for the Force to impose this change on me. It’s just like in the Matrix when they change something and only the people plugged in know something has been changed.

That concludes my list of 10 irrefutable facts about the Star Wars universe, facts that can be found nowhere else on the internet but here. You now have knowledge that no other Star Wars geek has. When the IT guys at work are huddled around the water cooler discussing Princess Leia and her metal bikini, you can march right into the conversation with one of these tidbits. They will be so impressed by your extraordinary Star Wars knowledge that they’ll fix your computer without making you call in a ticket. They’ll reset your password without asking you an annoying security question. They won’t even get angry when you confuse your CD-ROM tray for a cup holder. Again.

This list, my friends, will benefit you all.

You’re welcome.

Huge thanks to Chowderhead for the opportunity to showcase my utter lack of writing skills here on, um, Chowderhead.  \m/

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58 comments

  1. Pingback: Out of the Office | Stuphblog
    • Twindaddy

      The Dookie head insults were a nuisance for sure, but not so bad that he would voluntarily leave the order. Of course, were he not such a perv the Jedi might not have insulted him thusly.

  2. BrainRants

    Also little-known: Count Dooku was driven to the Dark Side by the cruelty of his childhood classmates in third grade, who made fun of his name by calling him, “Count Dookie.” Also, great find of a ‘before’ pic of me. I was quite Hutt-esque.

  3. Ned's Blog

    Those were truly things about the StarWars universe I didn’t know, although I had my suspicions about The Dark Side. I also heard that the same people who covered up the JFK assassination with the “magic bullet” theory were involved in Han Solo’s “magic blast” theory in the Greedo assassination. But I can’t confirm that. Any more than I can confirm that the Skywalkers originally moved to Arkansas where long kisses between brothers and sisters isn’t frowned upon.

  4. Trent Lewin

    That, my friend, is awesome. Also, my car is better known as a pod racer (disguised as a Honda Civic), and a former university professor of mine was in fact an exiled Yoda. He smelled like bog.

  5. stephrogers

    Count Duku may be a perv but he’s also funneh! And I can understand Jabba so much better now. I have the same problem as the former Mr Hutt. I have eaten and I can’t get up.

  6. List of X

    I also heard that most people keep mistaking R2D2 for a trash can and keep stuffing garbage into his speakers – and that is why no one can understand what he says.

  7. Pingback: Are You the Next Jedi Master of the Star Wars Trivia Universe? | Chowderhead
  8. Pingback: Star Wars Facts You May Not Know (Infographic) | Killing Time

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