Are You the Next Jedi Master of the Star Wars Trivia Universe?

"Mr. Twindaddy, would you mind taking of your helmet before we begin the job interview?"

“Mr. Twindaddy, would you mind taking of your helmet before we begin the job interview?”

I had a conversation with Twindaddy the other day, in which he unconvincingly tried to get me to flee the dark side and become a Star Wars slappy.

At first, I respectfully declined his offer.

I’ve never seen the movies, and I was pretty adamant about remaining a Star Wars virgin [no pun intended].  But in the name of trying out new things, I decided to sit down and finally give it a chance.

TD:  Here.

CH:  What the fuck is this?

TD:  It’s a Star Wars Test that I wrote.

CH:  Are you serious?

TD:  Of course!  How else am I gonna know whether or not you actually watched ‘em?

CH:  I’m not taking a Star Wars test.

TD:  When you finish it, gimme a ring and I’ll swing by in the Star Cruiser and slap a grade on it.

CH:  You mean your Honda Civic?

TD:  Same difference.

CH:  …

The first mistake I made was deciding to sit down and watch the movies after ingesting 45 grams of tryptophan.  Needless to say I didn’t get very far.  I think I lasted about forty five minutes into the first movie before my turkey dinner pimp-slapped the hat off my head.

Out cold.

So, I had to fudge a few answers on the stupid test he gave me.  It was an honest attempt.

The Test:

What is the name of the first episode?

Part One.

Who blew up the first death star?

Those Furby things – the short ones with the bow and arrows.

Who is the chosen one?

Darth Brooks.

Who is Anakin’s father?

The guy with the flash light sword and the belt around his dress.  Lou Piebaker?

How old is Yoda?

I’m not sure, but he’s senile and slightly dyslexic.

Who is used as a template to create the clone army?

*Please rephrase this question.

How does the Emperor lure Vader to the dark side?

I’m pretty sure it was a hand job.

Name one good thing about Jar Jar Binks

This character doesn’t ring a bell, but I’ll tell you one bad thing: his parents are pretty fucking lazy name-givers, because his middle name is the same as his first name.

How does Palpatine‘s dentist still have a job?

I think the answer to this one is also a hand job.

Who wins the battle between Anakin and Vader?


Who shoots first, Han or Greedo?

Speaking of hand jobs…

Greedo sounds greedy, so he was probably the first shooter.

Are Boba and Jango related?

I believe they were dance partners, so yes.

How long do Luke and Leia date?

You know, Leia strikes me as a bit of a snob.  And if I were Piebaker, I would have dumped her off at the first bus terminal on Mars after about 15 minutes.

To what is Yoda responding when he says, “Judge me by my size, do you?”

It was the part where him and Harrison Ford were comparing their penises in the star ship break room.


I called Twindaddy the following evening and he stopped over in the Civic.  I refuse to refer to it as the “Star Cruiser”.

CH:  Hey.

TD:  Well, how’d you do?

CH:  Pretty good I think.

TD:  How’d you like the movies?

CH:  The first one was ok.

TD:  I told you they were awesome!

CH:  Well, the font actually.  I thought the font was pretty cool.  And the Tobacka guy I liked too.

TD:  Tobacka?

CH:  Yeah, the hairy dude.

TD:  I’m not expecting a passing grade here…

CH:  Definitely flunked it.


Maybe some of you Star Wars nuts can do a little better on this test than I did.   I honestly cannot answer these questions without doing a Google search.  I’ll bet five Monopoly bucks that you can’t stump the Master of the Jedi Universe over here.  Drop Twindaddy a trivia question in the comment section if you’re up to the challenge.  You’ll probably lose.

Gotta run.  Space Balls is on right now.



May the Farts Be With You, Chowderheads  \m/


  1. NotAPunkRocker

    If I may quote Admiral Ackbar (you know who he is, right?) regarding the Jar Jar Binks question:

    IT’S A TRAP!

      • CB

        I’ve never seen (well I have seen parts here and there, but I thought the movies were stupid…) the Star Wars thing, but I do know that NAPR is right. That Jar Jar Binks is a trick question. No Star Wars fan will ever tell you there was anything good about that character.

      • Chowderhead

        I was in fact aware that there was a trick question embedded somewhere in the test, but was not privy as to which one. I’ve seen parts of a few of them, and in all honesty, as much as I joke around about them, they really aren’t all that bad. I think the conventions and costume thing are a bit much, but who am I to judge? I still watch cartoons on occasion. Granted, I’m usually drunk out of mind, but, you know..

  2. The Laughing Duck

    Hallelujah I am not the only one. Only watched the ‘first’ Star Wars movie, which isn’t all that much of a ‘first’ cause some genius decided to make the movies all backwards. And now that I know Mr.Piebaker and Vader Hater are related, there’s no need.


    LMAO again…I watched all the movies and I couldn’t answer the questions, but my son could. But he can answer questions about any movie that is science fiction. (sad he can’t earn money for this ability).
    Leroy (formally Luanna)

  4. Distinguished Malcontent

    I’ve got a few questions to add:

    Why didn’t Obi-Wan Kenobi change his last name when he went in to hiding on Tatooine?

    Why didn’t Obi-Wan change Luke Skywalker’s last name when he was being raised on Tatooine?

    Of all the planets in the galaxy, why did Obi-Wan choose to hide from Darth Vader on Darth Vader’s home planet?

    Why didn’t Obi-Wan seem at all surprised when his old R2 droid showed up on Tatooine, accompanied by the protocol droid that Darth Vader built as a kid, carrying a distress message from Darth Vader’s daughter who is also Luke’s sister? WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING?

    Why does the Imperial officer on the original Death Star mock the Jedi religion as if it’s an ancient myth? It’s only been 19 years since the Jedi Order were the dominant power in the galaxy. That officer must have been in his thirties, so he definitely would have remembered when the Jedi were still around. It would be like if someone born in the 80’s said that Bill Clinton didn’t exist. Explain.

    What is the point of General Grievous?

    • Chowderhead

      Erm. Oh boy.
      Ok, well, I’ll give this one a shot:

      #1 Because the effectiveness of the witness protection program on Lake Tattoo is in direct correlation with the amount of gravitational pull force.

      #2 You mean Piebaker? I don’t know who the fuck that Skywalker dude is…

      #3 Because Obi-Wan to go there? Let’s not get philosophical here.

      #4 Information overload. Please resubmit this question in smaller parts.

      #5 I saw Bill Clinton in this question at some point, and I know for a fact that he is an ex-President and he’s also a Democrat. And he likes cigars and blow jobs.

      #6 I think that’s when you file a formal complaint against management, if I’m not mistaken.

      How did I do?

      • Distinguished Malcontent

        6/6. You are now qualified to write the next trilogy, episodes 7-9. Please include Chewbacca.

      • Chowderhead

        I don’t know who that is, but cool! Twindaddy will be back in the office tomorrow morning to challenge. I’m guessing his ears are ringing right now courtesy of the force.

    • Twindaddy

      1. Because legally changing his name would have required him to come out of hiding. That kinda defeats the purpose of hiding, does it not? Plus, it’s kinda of a cool name, Kenobi.

      2. Because Owen and Beru would never have believed it was Anakin’s offspring, duh. Besides, how else would Vader have known Luke is his son? I mean, first of all, the name Luke Lars sounds kinda dumb. Secondly, if Vader heard the name Luke Lars it probably wouldn’t have occurred to him that he had living offspring. Finally, you’ve forgotten who wrote these stories. He can maintain continuity between stories about as well as I maintain sobriety while drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels.

      3.He didn’t. Yoda did. “To his family on Tatooine, take him.” So the real question is, why did Yoda choose that? The answer is quite obvious. Luke needed to live there in order to practice shooting womprats with his T-16 so that he had the necessary skills to destroy the first Death Star.

      4. Well, seeing as how he was biding his time until the time came for them to strike back against Vader and the Emperor, it’s not surprising at all. Bail knew where Obi-Wan had taken Luke. It was only a matter of time before they came to collect him. I would wonder why Vader didn’t find it at all odd that Leia was running to his home planet with the stolen plans for the Death Star. Of course, Vader never really was all that smart.

      5. Because he’s obviously a dumb ass. He also thought the Death Star was invulnerable to attack. That’s why Vader had to force-choke his ass back to reality. This guy would be an internet troll on Earth.

      6. What is the point of anything? What is the point of anyone? More importantly, why didn’t Grievous’ organic parts flash-freeze when exposed to the vacuum of space? Why does a cyborg have whooping cough? Obviously the point of Grievous is to make you scratch your head and wonder what kind of physics apply to the Star Wars universe.

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