Hi there! Glad you could make it this morning. Come in, have a seat. The back is full, so fill in where you can. Spit out your gum please. Sharpen your pencils over here. Apples and six packs for the instructor go in the basket —
Welcome to the first performance of 2014 on Chowderhead! \m/
Let me explain, eager pupils.
I am a YouTube connoisseur. It’s true. I surf it often, and find it easy to get lost in this brilliant, bottomless salad bowl of angry ginger kids, skateboarder face plants, Numa Numa dudes, and people excavating baseball-sized cysts.
However, there is a flea that has been let into the pelt which is robbing the joy from my surfing experience:
These pukes are the scum of the internet. They’re bullies with nothing better to do with their free time, and they taint the entire web-surfing experience with their pissy commentaries directed at poor, innocent web-traffickers like you and I.
This madness must stop.
Now, for those who know me well enough, I don’t just go around slugging people through the monitor for no good reason. You have to give me a reason. Trolls are a good reason. And I eat these little pimple-pickers for breakfast.
If you’re wondering what a troll tastes like, it’s something like shitty bran-fortified oatmeal with flax seed and dog spit on it, topped off with spoiled chicken and garlic-flavored body odor. And Big Red chewing gum.
Today is your lucky day you turds. I’m hunting you down, and when I find you, I’m gonna metaphorically stuff you with dirty socks, and mount you on my wall with a marshmallow smeared into your braces.
Meet here next Tuesday for what I hope will be a very entertaining update.
– Class dismissed, Chowderheads \m/