There’s Nothing Worse Than That Moment When…


Life is funny.  It seems to always find creative ways of throwing metaphorical curveballs at your face the same day that you metaphorically got your braces installed.  I’m talking about those “oh no, not now” moments – those things that happen at the most inopportune or inappropriate times, and you find yourself shaking a clenched fist at the sky. 

We all have those moments.  It’s part of the cosmic joke.

So I guess I’ll preface the list by saying that there’s nothing worse than that moment when…

It's happening.

It’s happening.

…You’re exactly halfway into your morning commute, and you realize that the fiber bar, apple, three cups of dark roast coffee, and bowl of oatmeal with flax seed sprinkles on it is close to winning the battle.  Red light.

…You drop a dime on the floor while standing in line and are suddenly unsure whether or not to embark on a recovery procedure for it.  The guy behind you picks it up.  You’re suddenly filled with regret.

…You’re cleaning out your fridge, and as you’re dumping the pork roast leftovers from three months ago into the garbage, you carelessly miss the hole.  Not only does it smell like Satan’s armpit after a long afternoon of racquetball, but you’re out of paper towel.  You wash your hands twice just to be safe.

…Somebody in the Netflix movie that you’ve never seen before that you’re watching with your Grandma says “masturbate”, and then you pretend you didn’t hear it.  You think to yourself that hopefully Grandma doesn’t know what that word means.  And then you think that she’s probably hoping the same thing.

…The same guy in the Netflix movie that you’ve never seen before that you’re watching with your Grandma that said “masturbate” is now humping somebody, and the chair you’re sitting in feels like it’s going to start on fire.  And the channel changer is so…far…away right now.  But that would only intensify the awkwardness.

…You’re a dude and you have a Freudian slip in front of another dude in public, which is unfortunate because you’re straight, but you can read his mind and he’s thinking, “I think this guy is gay” and you’re thinking back, “no I’m not you fucking dickhead.  I’ll kick your ass.” and he thinks back, “Ok, maybe you’re not gay and we’ll pretend that it didn’t happen, bro.”

…You’re walking through a busy grocery store with nothing but milk and toilet paper and you’re trying to find a cool way of holding the toilet paper, like, under your arm, pretending that they are math books or something.  And then you’re thinking to yourself, “It’s just toilet paper.  Everybody buys toilet paper…”

…You’re walking through a busy grocery storing holding your milk and toilet paper in your ‘try to be cool about it” fashion and you notice somebody approaching you at the twelve o’ clock position not paying attention.  They are walking in the English driving lane (the wrong fucking side), and then they do that awkward dance thing with you.  They look at the toilet paper.  They look at your face.  You lose.

"Oh no.  That's terrible.  I'll be right there."

“Oh no. That’s terrible. I’ll be right there.”

…You walk into the only public guy’s bathroom that you’ve ever been in that doesn’t have a urinal, and also has a woman applying her makeup in it.  And you almost say out loud, “hey, get out of here, lady!”  And then you pull your coat over your head and casually avoid making eye contact with the security cams on the way out.

…You’re returning a shoping cart full of empties at the store and you’re dressed down.  And then you think that everybody thinks you’re a homeless person and you’re cashing in all of the bottles and cans you found in the woods.  But then you think to yourself, “I’ll explain that I party a lot if anybody asks.”

…You have to explain to your blind date that something via text message has unexpectedly come up that you must attend to very urgently.

…Your blind date knows that you’re lying about having to attend to something unexpected, and the waitress is having somebody in a foreign country hold your tab while she is taking an abnormally long cigarette break.

…You fart right before somebody enters the room.  They never enter this room.  You optimistically use your nose as a vacuum cleaner.  It’s not working.

It happens to the best of us…

Wait, does it?

Salute \m/

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68 comments

  1. Christopher S. Malone

    The shit anticipation is the absolute worst. Never have left a blind date, yet. But I’ve abandoned the whole nose vacuum tactic. Sometimes whatever comes out of the butt hole is more terrible than imagined. If no one is around, or entering a room, it’s best to just get the hell out of there. If you bump into someone, just be cool and tell them to leave.

    Speaking of farts, shower farts are the absolute worst. You have nowhere to run, and the warmth and mist accentuate the odor.

  2. The Moon is a Naked Banana

    My favourite is the one day you forgo make up, washing your hair, and wearing a coordinated outfit – in short, everything that makes the average female look acceptable to the general eye – and bump into your ex / boss / that nasty girl from high school (who of course looks perfect, and will have their image of you in their mind every time they see you thereafter).

    • Chowderhead

      Can I just start by saying that the “The Moon is a Naked Banana” is right up there with “Hacker Ninja Hooker Spy”? Now that we got that out of the way, I feel for ya. That’s a rough one. I primp before I go out to insure that that never happens. I think I’m technically a metrosexual. We’ll keep that between us..

  3. Ned's Blog

    I stopped by Target once to get toilet paper on the way home. While I was there, I saw some racy men’s underwear and grabbed them to surprise my wife with. Then there was some wine on sale, so I tucked a bottle under my arm. Next to the cashier were carnation bouquets, so I added that to my items. It wasn’t until I saw the checker staring at my assortment that I realized just how creepy I looked.

  4. Amy Reese

    Adam, I belong to Costco just so I can buy loads at toilet paper all at once! It’s worth it. No more awkward moments, because at Costco, everyone just nods their heads at the toilet paper purchase. Of course. Tampons and vaginal cream….yeah, that’s TMI, that’s a self-check out. I walked into a men’s room once and they didn’t laugh. at all. It was all by mistake, yes it was.

    • Chowderhead

      See, that’s the way to do it, because then it looks like you’re just a toilet paper distributor buying from a wholesaler. I believe in that. I’m nodding my head to that. I feel for ya on the vaginal cream. I try to be polite about it by looking at all the candy bars instead. “Hmm..they have Rolos here. Cool.”

      Walking into the wrong bathroom only happened to me once a long time ago, and it was a terrifyingly terrifying experience haha! Oh my god. *HEADSLAP*

  5. Maddie Cochere

    Very funny stuff. Other than the occasional bout of intestinal disfortitude after the fiber bar, apple, coffee, etc., the only one I seem to run into on a regular basis is the grocery store aisle dance. It only seems like common sense to drive your cart on the right side of the aisle! And I liked the shout-out to racquetball! 🙂

    • Chowderhead

      *bows*

      Thank you. A little bit of toilet humor once in awhile is good for the soul. For me, anyways! But I’m sorry about your intestinal disfortitude. This is not a fun thing if ever it should occur. Make sure you’re not aisle dancing at this time either. Or playing racquetball, maybe even worse.

  6. Vanessa-Jane Chapman

    So your first one about the fibre oatmeal apple thing, led straight into the second one which started with “You drop a dime on the floor”, and my first thought was that the dime represented, well, I don’t need to spell it out do I? Then I released they were separate ones. Phew. I always hate buying toilet paper too, I always think people are going to imagine me using it if they see me carrying it! There was a moment on New Girl where…damn, I can’t remember exactly, but something like the guy asks her if she was buying some toilet paper, and she ends up saying “Oh no I don’t use that!” or something, it was funny anyway!

    • Chowderhead

      I had to read the first part a couple times and then it hit me. That was funny! No, a dime as in the metal piece worth the equivalent of two nickels haha! I’ve never dropped a “dime” on a floor, and if I did, the guy probably wouldn’t pick it up. Well maybe. Lets stop there.

      And the thing you mentioned about people picturing you on the can? I deleted that. I so had that in here, but it was running long. That is equally as funny. Why do we all think like this? That is just so weird to me how we all think so similar as humans. We have an innate embarrassment of buying shit tickets. Why! \m/

  7. Greg

    Funny…About a year ago I transferred in my job to a new location. I was nervous that morning, drank way too much mountain dew and had to go to the bathroom bad. I was in such a rush I walked in to the woman’s restroom took a leak in the stall and walked out. There was a woman washing her hands. I immediately realized my oversight, because there was no urinals and made haste for the door. I figured everything would be OK as i;d never see this person again, probably a customer. I work for a retail chain. Well, later that day I was touring with my boss. He was introducing me to the employees in my area and wouldn’t you know…there she was. I put my hand out and turned a bright red…

    • Chowderhead

      Oh my god, so embarrassing, G-man. It only happened to me once, and it was one of those women’s restroom symbols that looks not like a man or woman. We need universal symbols to be instated and coded in public! Circle, triangle. Boom. Problem solved. Not this Senioritas and Seniors or whatever. Two margaritas and I’m unsure. Good luck at the office. Remember: circle. Not triangle. \m/

  8. anntogether.com

    Hello Chowderhead,
    Your candor is always refreshing and always makes me laugh. I’m glad I’m alone reading this post because my face is quite red. One thing in particular hit a memory – as kids (even now) while innocently watching a movie, my very stern father would absolutely walk in when the first and probably only naked scene made its fleshy entrance. Then he’d inevitably say (and still does) “What the hell are you kids watching!”
    All the other things you mention happen, if we’re willing to admit to them – I guess it’s the beauty of being human with all our lovely packaging defects.
    As always Chowderhead, thanks for the squeaky clean reading and balls-out laughter 😉
    AnnMarie

    • Chowderhead

      Man, I’m getting a lot of strokes lately and I’m a little intimidated by it! Thank you, I’m wide grinning right now 🙂

      I always hated getting busted on the nude scene in front of the ‘rents. It’s uncanny. It always seemed to happen a lot. What kind of movies do I watch…?

      But anyways, thanks for the props. I’m glad to be a source of balls-out laughter for you! That makes me happy, so rock on, Ann\m/arie

  9. jennsmidlifecrisis

    Try buying condoms and a pregnancy test at the same time…that’ll really confuse the hell out of them! Red light…or worse, darkened subway tunnel and the train . . is . . not . . moving. . .

  10. She's a Maineiac

    The toilet paper one is so true. I always start to get embarrassed then I remember that everybody poops. Really puts things in perspective.

    But the farting one? Never happens because I’ve never farted in my entire life.

    • Chowderhead

      You. Are. Such. A. LIAR. You probably farted twice while writing that comment. C’mon, really? I know some chicks with no shame in that department. They can fart with the best of them. Wafting..wafting..analysis..

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