Category: Guest Post

Blog Hop: The Most Outlandish Anxiety Tale Ever Told

Have you ever had one of those moments where suddenly, out of nowhere, you felt really nervous for absolutely no reason?  Maybe, like, you’re standing in line at the grocery store, staring at someone’s bananas on the conveyor belt…

…and then you begin creating this catastrophic what-if scenario in your head in which you all of the sudden FREAK OUT and hold up the register with a banana under your shirt, which leads to some kind of hostage situation, which leads to police helicopters and news reporters and swat teams, which leads to your mugshot being flashed on CNN headline news everywhere, which leads to getting hit in the head with one of those bean bag guns, which leads to you going to prison, which leads to having to share a cot with some guy named Dimples who likes to cuddle, which leads to a terrifying stroll down the death row corridor with a potato sack over your head, which leads to being strapped into the electric chair…

…and then the very polite girl at the register timidly says, “your total is $4.99”, sir, and you’re all like,

“PLEASE DON’T SEND ME TO PRISON IT’S JUST A BANANA LOOK!”

And then everybody looks at you with weird looks on their faces, and probably thinking to themselves that that’s exactly where you belong…

I will...smash...this...or something...in your face if you don't give me money.

I will…smash…this…or something…in your face if you don’t give me money.

That’s called Anxiety. I do that sometimes.  Well, sorta..

But it got me to thinking (irony) about how much anxiety (and depression) have helped me write stories. After all, that’s basically what anxiety is, right?  I guess it’s all in how you look at it.  Are you a “poor, helpless anxiety sufferer”?  Or, do you have the gift of being a fucking great fiction writer?  When you think about it, having a freak out episode, or an anxiety or panic attack, or a grey matter meltdown, or whatever you wanna call it, is nothing but a series of creatively fabricated events that never happen. It’s fiction.  A lot of the time, it’s really good fiction.

So I thought it would be a cool idea to celebrate our varying degrees of mainstream neuroticism by kicking of a BLOG HOP starting HERE this Thursday.  Anxiety deserves a laugh, and for that matter, Depression does too.  Rather than sit around and cry about it, why not recognize these things as gifts?  They are weird gifts, yes: “Gee, thanks for this, um, gift stuff…”

The point I’m trying to make is this: Apply it to Something.  Many already do, and just don’t recognize it.  Maybe you’ll learn to recognize it beginning today?

The blog-hopping story – similar to the one told at the intro to this post – will mozy on down a long trail of other crazy people – all with the ability to produce great anxiety-inspired fiction.  If it works (it’s already working), you’ll get a chance to read a really funny, highly outlandish story, collectively told in very small parts by a lot of really talented writers.  You’ll get to visit all off your buds, click the like button, fart, and move on to the next blog in no time flat.

Sound like fun? It will be!

Want to join?  You should!

Sign on the dotted line in the comment section!

Oh, and Psst!  Ericka Clay is playing along at some point along the story path, so you know it’s gonna be 2 legit to quit.  Nothing like a good old fashioned name drop.

Salute \m/

 

10 Things You Didn’t Know About the Star Wars Universe

Twindaddy takes the stage today with a behind the scenes look at some obscure Star Wars facts.  I was unaware of all of them.  In fact, it doesn’t matter because I’ve never even saw the movies.  But, I’ll be watching the series this Wednesday for the first time, and take a Star Wars aptitude test on Thursday.  I need to study a bit.  I’m not good at studying.  Anyways, take it away, dude!

You can scour the internet for hours searching for useless Star Wars facts and never run out of material to read. Star Wars is an uncontrolled locomotive of popularity [Editor’s note:  hmm] and has made creator George Lucas billions upon billions of moneys.

If you search all of these sites, blogs, and message boards looking for “facts you didn’t know” about Star Wars you’ll notice one glaring element missing from every list: none of them are written by anyone from the Star Wars universe; they’re all written by nerds, geeks, and fanboys [Editor’s Note:  True, very true].

My name is Twindaddy and I am a stormtrooper in the Imperial Army. There is a portal hidden in my living room closet which transports me between Earth and the Star Wars universe, where I am known as Drun Kenman (clever, ain’t it?). Having unrestricted access to the Star Wars universe means I know things that those nerds, geeks and fanboys couldn’t possibly know. I know these things because I’ve experienced them firsthand, and didn’t see them in a movie or read them in a book.

I have decided to share some of those facts here today, because Chowderhead fucking rocks [Editor’s Note:  Recant previous Editor’s Notes]. So your reward for being a loyal reader of Chowderhead is the following list of 10 things you didn’t know about the Star Wars universe. Things that you won’t find on any other blog, message board, or website. Continue reading

Of Me

Nicole Marie

Click the image to zoom
*a normal text format can be viewed at the bottom of the page for easier reading
nicole marie - Final
 
This poem was a hard one for me, but so very, very easy to write.
I have questioned my own size and shape since I was thirteen years old. After a school nurse was disappointed with my weigh-in, I went home and buried my face in my mother’s chest and wondered what I was “supposed” to look like. Too short, too tall, too thin, too wide. I drink and I eat sweets, but not a moment goes by without me questioning my shape and my own self worth along with it; these thoughts are a plague to those struggling with self esteem issues, from the time they climb out of bed to the moment they undress at night. And while each day is a struggle, I have managed to find small pockets of peace within myself. We are all different, and we are all beautiful in our own way. Who wants to look like everyone else? What a boring world we would be living in. I try daily to remind myself of all the other things I like about me.To all those others sailing along in my boat: take a deep breath, throw your shoulders back, and make the mirror your new best friend. After all, confidence is sexy.A huge THANK YOU to Adam of Chowderhead for allowing me to cover something I am so very passionate about, on his amazing blog!
xoxo, NM
 
 
 
Text format

bruised

such rough patchwork

on such a young thing,

no glass smooth flesh

just marble valleys

on a pale pink landscape.

those smiling lines on her back

aren’t the wings of a butterfly,

those glowing highways

on her thighs

don’t twist with assurance.

b&wme

a real life caricature

all lowered brow, all rising forehead,

the living reflection

of a fun house mirror

she looks away as she dresses.

cemented tongueless

in a wavering cave

the elements get in easily here,

she hides her breath

until the flooding stops.

nothing matters

when the roadway

is littered with flaws,

she only trips

over the rubble.

all is wrapped in silence

when she wakes,

eyes shut tight

no shedding litters

the bedroom floor.

how can she grow

when her sight

is a fogged mirror,

when words fall so hard

from a slapping screen door?

that soft skin,

gathered like wrinkled blankets

beneath each arm,

it is not a sign of prosperity,

she does not raise her chin.

anatomy

no other is in want

of a hard bruised shook up

stretch of pale and bone

holding some view of the world

in her wide-knuckled grasp.

i am, she says,

a well-wrapped box

of weeds and good intentions,

worn at the seams,

no card attached.

but she will never learn

the weight of her own gravity,

she will never see

the blue of the sky

if she never raises her eyes to it.

b&wwedding

*****

I admire the sheer, brutal honesty in this piece.  I didn’t ask for anything specific when I originally contacted Nicole Marie, she just did what she does.  I was taken aback, and thought it was a beautifully written, and really great piece of reflective poetry – all of it with a glimmer of hope at the end.  I’m glad to have had the opportunity to be a mediator.  Thanks for your contribution, NM.  \m/

*****

For more Nicole Marie, click the banner below

Words and Other Things

Holy Sex Toys, Batman!

*Graphic Article About Sex Toys Alert*   *Graphic Article About Sex Toys Alert*   *Graphic Article About Sex Toys Alert*   

*****

My Fotoshop skills are not improving...

My Fotoshop skills are not improving…

It’s been a long time coming, but me and one of my absolute favorite west coast enigmas have teamed up to provide a ridiculous commentary on some of the wildest pleasure tools that money can buy.

The mystery woman I’m referring to operates under the alias Singlegirlie, and her sultry feminine scent still lingers here.

Let’s backtrack.  I call her an enigma because for as many times as we’ve chatted, I still don’t know what the hell she looks like.  For all I know she could be some freaky carnival dude living in a van down by the park river.  Even if that were the case, he/she’d still be funny.

So strap on your stilettos and take a stroll with us down the neverending isle of rubber wieners and pocket vaginas:

Weird Sex Toys That Will Never See My Junk

Earmuffs.

– Catch ya’ll on the flip-side, Chowderheads \m/