Category: Uncategorized

The Official Handshake Etiquette Guidebook

Everything you need to know about shaking hands. Seriously.

Shaking hands is a greeting ritual that dates back to the early Neolithic period, and it was somewhere around that time when people decided it was more appropriate than licking someone’s face to acknowledge a clan member.

This custom along with its many variations have lead to some confusion since the advent of Instagram, but fret not!  We have officially been commissioned by The International Handshaking and Other Hand Gestures Council to construct a brief quick-reference guide to hand-humping.  It was a free gig and we take what we can get.

Below you’ll find a list of handshakes that are internationally recognized by the council.

Please print this list and keep it for future reference in case you meet people not on Facebook.

1.  The Double Embrace

This variation is a particularly intimate one which involves a two-handed grab, or embrace by one of the hand-shaking parties.

See below:

670px-Have-a-Persuasive-Handshake-Step-2

It’s…

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Long Awkward Pause Pop Quiz Winner Announced!

Find out the winner of the LAP Pop Quiz contest, and also find out which of those Chiwderheads set off the model rocket in the bedroom…

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Boy, placing an exclamation point after a contest announcement really hypes it up, eh?  Exclamation points add so much excitement!  Without one, the context completely changes.

But enough of the grammar lessons, because it’s time to reveal the winner of the Long Awkward Pause Pop Quiz!  And one more exclamation point just for fun!

Here are the results: 

KSBETH:  20%

SHE’S A MAINEIAC:  20%

THE TATTOO TOURIST:  10%

KRISTEN MCCLARY:  40%

AMY REESE:  0%

EVA:  40%

JACKIE P:  20%

PINK DONUT:  30%

KENDALL F. PERSON:  10%

And the winner is…

ALWAYS A REDHEAD!  50%

Congratulations, Catherine!  Clearly you remembered the most important lesson in school:  if you didn’t study, just guess the letter C.  One of our representatives will be contacting you shortly, and please have your webcam handy when our prize patrol shows up at your door.

Here’s the answer key:

Question 1:

Which member of LAP…

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Help us Celebrate our One Year Anniversary with a Chance to Win Cash and Prizes!

LAP turns one year old today! We’re doing a fun little pop quiz to see how well you know the staff, and we’re even giving *something away!

LAP Aniversary Banner

Today is a very special day here at Long Awkward Pause because it marks our first year anniversary!

*Throws confetti*

*Spits out confetti*

After all the hard work and bantering that’s gone on over the past year, we’ve decided to conduct a pop quiz today to see how well you think you know the staff.

For the first time ever we’re pulling back the curtains to give you a peek into the top-secret lives of each of the group’s members.  In order to do that however, we’re gonna need a little bit of participation from you.

In the spirit of exhibitionism and for the sake of educational purposes, and after signing a liability waiver under duress, each of our staff writers forked over a handful of juicy personal tidbits about themselves to make today’s quiz possible.

Some of these facts are embarrassing, some are enlightening, and some are just  plain ridiculous – but all of…

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The 12 Step Guide to Assembling Cheap Furniture

Having trouble assembling your cheap, piece of shit furniture? So am I.

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Knowing how to assemble cheap furniture is an important domestic skill that is often overlooked today.  It’s not as valuable as learning how to iron out the perfect pleat, or how to remove alcohol-enriched vomit stains from your microsuede, but it’s up there.

Please note that no matter what type of cheap furniture piece you decide to purchase, the assembly procedure will always require a minimum of 12 steps.  If you follow this how-to guide accurately, the procedure should end up being a complete pain in the ass.  That’s how you’ll know you did it right.

Estimated time to complete average assembly: 7 hours – 2 weeks.
Level of competency required: none – very little.

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Preassembly

After you’ve made your purchase, begin the preassembly stage by lugging the piece of shit into your living room, making sure to damage any walls and/or casual bystanders within close proximity to your…

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5×5 With The Hook: Chowderhead.

Join me over at the Hook’s place as he interviews me on romance (huh?), sidekicks (not the car or the phone), Long Awkward Pause (why haven’t you subscribed yet?), and just life in general…

You've Been Hooked!

You requested that some beefcake be added to your 5×5 menu, but how about some chowder instead?

On the mean virtual streets of the blogosphere, he’s THE MAN, the one you want to be, the one who has lived the blogging experience to the fullest. I kid you, not this cat has seen and done things that constitute the ultimate blogging fantasy. He’s formed lasting connections and crated virtual playgrounds that are flourishing. He is Adam Sendek, his moniker isChowderhead and he is my most honored guest today. Hi there!

This guy has been an innovator from the get-go; he has his own dictionary, he is avalued staff member at Long Awkward Pause, he has mad banner production skills and I’m given to understand that he is a gentle and considerate lover; a young lady will always wake up in his bed with cab fare affixed to…

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Talking in Circles with a Circle Talker

I think I wrote this last year..?

What’s up?

It’s a simple question that should illicit a relatively straightforward and immediate reply.

In fact, “not much” would be an adequate enough response, because that would mean that the conversation is now over, and we can all move on with our lives with a sense of closure in regard to the initial inquiry into your present state of affairs.

If a normal person approached another normal person and asked that question, they’d probably have no problem giving a direct response.  And, depending on the level of intimacy that the two people share, the context of the question being asked, and whether or not person A has to be someplace important, like, for instance, anywhere else, the entire exchange should take milliseconds.

coaching-is-not-therapy “And then I got really really dizzy. I didn’t know what he was talking about, and it made me so mad and sad at the same time…

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Lady Gaga Featured on the Cover of Vanity Fair

Today on Long Awkward Pause:
On This Day in Pop Culture History: Radio Gaga
*fart sound*

One year ago today, the infamous beef-humping Lady Gaga graced the cover page of Vanity Fair.  

*Cough..Putz*

A non-reputable and overpaid media source heralds Gaga as one of the world’s most popular icons in Music and Fashion today, but poll studies show however, that the entire continent of Africa disagrees.  

When asked, the same anonymous source revealed that Gaga was genetically stitched together in a test tube using DNA samples taken from Cher, David Bowie, and a cigarette-smoking chip named Lulu.  The derived synthetic sperm was injected into a Silly Putty Egg to incubate for six weeks, and hatched inside a young Chicago resident’s Easter Basket later that year.  

The singer was eventually captured with a fishing net by a Hazmat official and was shipped to Las Vegas in a wooden crate where she went on to win the World Series of Poker.

No confirmation of the integrity…

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On This Day in Pop Culture History The Captcha Was Born

What do you do when the only thing standing between you and a Gmail account is Captcha? You fold. And then send a letter via snail mail…

The topic of Internet Security is hotter than a pancake these days.  Hacker outbreaks are occurring now on almost a weekly basis, and every time it happens, everybody scrambles around changing all of their personal passwords from ‘password’ to ‘123456’.  Smooth move.

Unfortunately, many online hosting sites feel very differently about Internet Security, and after determining that having an Alligator tied to every computer in the world wasn’t a very cost-effective solution, the Captcha was born shortly after on this day in history.  It now serves and protects the honest citizens of the world from malicious computer-using robots…

Every time I try to open up a Gmail account I feel like I’m in a fucking Dan Brown novel, while I’m staring at some mangled ball of punctuation marks and Greek letters.  Half of the characters in these things aren’t even on my keyboard?

Thankfully, I have a friend who…

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