The Steven Seagal School of Chiropractic

October 13, 2012

It dawned on me that sustaining an audience through weekly incessant ranting might not be a good long-term concept but I don’t give a fuck.  My therapist says it’s good for me.

Speaking of expensive health services, I visited my chiropractor today for the first time in a couple months.  All of this blogging has become a real pain in the neck (pun intended).  Sitting for extended periods of time does a real number on the body, so I decided to pop in for a much needed re-alignment.

If you’re not familiar with what Chiropractic is, let me break it down for you…

The Chiropractic Experience

In a nutshell, Chiropractic is basically the science of twisting bones and joints in ways that they weren’t intended to move.  Each visit brings a sampling of medical wrestling techniques designed to measure your tolerance for pain and how easily you cry.

“Stop looking at my junk, doc…”

When visiting one for the first time the same protocol happens like with any other doctor.  You typically spend a half-hour filling out a phone book-sized stack of forms highlighting your aches and pains.  After that you’ll burn another half-hour waiting in a room full of decrepit people and listening to cries of agony coming from the occupied rooms.

Right before you’re about to fall asleep the doctor will call you in for spinal x-rays.  After the pictures are developed they are hung on a light board which makes it easier for them to point out the problem spots, as well as the faint outline of your penis.  From there a diagnosis is made and the real fun starts.

There are several procedures throughout the visit.  The first set of bone manipulations begin with the patient laying face down on a table that’s supported by impact springs.  The springs are meant to absorb the large amounts of force being driven into your spine from a defenseless position.  Climbing aboard and riding the table of death to the horizontal position is the only fun part.  After the elevator ride the patient then grasps the “oh shit” bars below while the doctor performs a series of pile driver-like moves causing your spine to briefly meet the inside of your sternum.

Internal Dialogue:

Spine:  “Hey there Sternum.”

Sternum:  “Well hello there, Spine!”

Spine:  “Gotta run.  I’ll drop by next week.”

“It’s alright everyone, I’m a Chiropractor.”

High Velocity Maneuvers

Some practices use adjustment techniques called High Velocity (movements), which look and feel similar to what Steven Seagal does to bad guys in his movies.  While the patient is seated in a chair the doctor silently approaches from behind and violently twists the head of his victim — far enough for the person to momentarily look at their own back.  If it sounds painful, that’s because it is.

I nicknamed my doctor “the hammer”, because he does to his patients what Gallagher does to watermelons.  On top of being medically-aggressive he’s also 300lbs.  The guy is built like a small house and likes to use me as a guinea pig for all his new karate moves he learns at conventions.  One of his newest techniques involves grabbing a hold of the skull and forcefully extracting the patient’s head from his body cavity like a reverse-battering ram.  It’s kind of like tying one end of a rope to a door knob and the other end to a pick-up truck.  Just for grins I decided to measure myself before a visit.  Not shockingly I grew two inches post-adjustment.

And I’m not supposed to crack my fucking knuckles?

It’s important to note that if you’re considering visiting one be mindful of what you eat beforehand.  For example, a double stuffed bean burrito would be a poor choice.  When someone is jumping from the top turnbuckle onto your intestinal region, it’s unlikely your sphincter will maintain composure which could lead to additional service charges.  Each visit brings the potential for becoming a human whoopee cushion.  Many have fallen victim.  I was a victim once.

Right now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why the hell do you bother?”  The answer is simple: because I’m a masochist.

Most people don’t realize that all of the organ systems are connected to the spine.  Even a minor subluxation can cause a body system to function improperly.  Well, that’s the sadist in the white jacket told me anyways…

What are your thoughts on Chiropractic — believer or skeptic?   

**Please share your funny stories **

-Happy Blogging, ya wimpy Bitchers!

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Written by Adam Posted in humor Tagged with blog, blogging, Chiropractic, Chiropractor, comedy, Funny, health, humor, life, satire, spine, Steven Seagal