The Steven Seagal School of Chiropractic

It dawned on me that sustaining an audience through weekly incessant ranting might not be a good long-term concept but I don’t give a fuck.  My therapist says it’s good for me.

Speaking of expensive health services, I visited my chiropractor today for the first time in a couple months.  All of this blogging has become a real pain in the neck (pun intended).  Sitting for extended periods of time does a real number on the body, so I decided to pop in for a much needed re-alignment.

If you’re not familiar with what Chiropractic is, let me break it down for you…

The Chiropractic Experience

In a nutshell, Chiropractic is basically the science of twisting bones and joints in ways that they weren’t intended to move.  Each visit brings a sampling of medical wrestling techniques designed to measure your tolerance for pain and how easily you cry.

“Stop looking at my junk, doc…”

When visiting one for the first time the same protocol happens like with any other doctor.  You typically spend a half-hour filling out a phone book-sized stack of forms highlighting your aches and pains.  After that you’ll burn another half-hour waiting in a room full of decrepit people and listening to cries of agony coming from the occupied rooms.

Right before you’re about to fall asleep the doctor will call you in for spinal x-rays.  After the pictures are developed they are hung on a light board which makes it easier for them to point out the problem spots, as well as the faint outline of your penis.  From there a diagnosis is made and the real fun starts.

There are several procedures throughout the visit.  The first set of bone manipulations begin with the patient laying face down on a table that’s supported by impact springs.  The springs are meant to absorb the large amounts of force being driven into your spine from a defenseless position.  Climbing aboard and riding the table of death to the horizontal position is the only fun part.  After the elevator ride the patient then grasps the “oh shit” bars below while the doctor performs a series of pile driver-like moves causing your spine to briefly meet the inside of your sternum.

Internal Dialogue:

Spine:  “Hey there Sternum.”

Sternum:  “Well hello there, Spine!”

Spine:  “Gotta run.  I’ll drop by next week.”

“It’s alright everyone, I’m a Chiropractor.”

High Velocity Maneuvers

Some practices use adjustment techniques called High Velocity (movements), which look and feel similar to what Steven Seagal does to bad guys in his movies.  While the patient is seated in a chair the doctor silently approaches from behind and violently twists the head of his victim — far enough for the person to momentarily look at their own back.  If it sounds painful, that’s because it is.

I nicknamed my doctor “the hammer”, because he does to his patients what Gallagher does to watermelons.  On top of being medically-aggressive he’s also 300lbs.  The guy is built like a small house and likes to use me as a guinea pig for all his new karate moves he learns at conventions.  One of his newest techniques involves grabbing a hold of the skull and forcefully extracting the patient’s head from his body cavity like a reverse-battering ram.  It’s kind of like tying one end of a rope to a door knob and the other end to a pick-up truck.  Just for grins I decided to measure myself before a visit.  Not shockingly I grew two inches post-adjustment.

And I’m not supposed to crack my fucking knuckles?

It’s important to note that if you’re considering visiting one be mindful of what you eat beforehand.  For example, a double stuffed bean burrito would be a poor choice.  When someone is jumping from the top turnbuckle onto your intestinal region, it’s unlikely your sphincter will maintain composure which could lead to additional service charges.  Each visit brings the potential for becoming a human whoopee cushion.  Many have fallen victim.  I was a victim once.

Right now you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why the hell do you bother?”  The answer is simple: because I’m a masochist.

Most people don’t realize that all of the organ systems are connected to the spine.  Even a minor subluxation can cause a body system to function improperly.  Well, that’s the sadist in the white jacket told me anyways…

What are your thoughts on Chiropractic — believer or skeptic?   

**Please share your funny stories **

-Happy Blogging, ya wimpy Bitchers!


  1. nephiriel

    have to admit you shocked me right in the beginning… stop writing? whew… no he won’t.
    looking forward to reading more – and curious what will pop up.
    as to the steven seagal moves… take it from a physical therapist: do not let anyone crack your cervical spine!! it is extremely dangerous… one wrong twist and the arteries running through there won’t do their job anymore… and your brain can sing ‘somebody that i used to know’ to its old friend, blood. for once, i am not joking.
    enjoyed your words yet again… nice imagery, hehe

  2. Adam S

    I’ll never stop writing — I promise — and thanks! Please elaborate on the cervical cracking thing — this is news to me? Any stories or first hand experience?

  3. nephiriel

    yay for not stopping! 😀

    i don’t have any first hand experience on this (thank gawd!). let me explain a bit…
    the vertebral arteries run directly through ‘holes’ in the spinal vertebrae… as you can see here:
    it shows a picture of the arteries twisted when we rotate our head. quite a stretch as it is. now imagine if anyone gave your head a big old yank – you may be lucky and nothing ever happens. your pain is gone, awesome.
    but… the artery might also get pinched or rupture… just a tiny rupture is enough. blood starts clotting in an attempt to heal, the clot starts wandering around, reaching your brain and BAM! stroke it is.
    i found an article for you here:
    (finding all this wasn’t easy in english! lol not my first language… i think i deserve a cookie for all this medical talk 😉 )
    hope i could help a little… the percentage of people getting strokes after neck cracking is still small, but unfortunately chiropractors do not warn their patients of the risks.
    i am a member of the other wrestling team (physical therapy). i know how to manipulate /crack necks as well – i will never do it. now, you might know why. there are other methods.

  4. alienredqueen

    “Crotchal!” Love it! Thought I was the only person who said that. LOL. That and “backal.” Frontal? Backal… The doctor said I need a backiotomy! Anyway… I have to actually sit on the floor with my netbook on the coffee table to minimize my neck strain…but what I really need is a separate monitor and keyboard again. I liked going to the chiro…just can’t afford it anymore…but since I started exercising more regularly, my tension migraines have eased back a bit and I don’t need the Chiro as much.

    • Adam S

      HAHA! We got the weird lingo thing going on don’t we? You know what, I noticed that stretching, and sleeping on my back works wonders. I haven’t gone for awhile because of $$ myself, so I try and make the adjustments last by not fucking with my neck/posture as much as possible. I wish I had a chiro on house call though — that would be saweet!

  5. Katie

    I haven’t ever been to the chiropractor, but I’ve always been curious. I’m generally anti-doctor since I’m SO good at diagnosing myself using Google, WebMD, or Wikipedia. Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld where George Costanza gets a massage from a guy and IT moves? I always imagine that’s also what going to the chiropractor is like for a man. Only more painful. Maybe you’re into that kind of thing. 😉

    • Adam S

      Dr Katie: I’ve never once gotten “wood” from a Chiropractor — lets just set the record straight! As far as getting a massage goes, It’s either gonna be from a woman, or no massage — thank you!

  6. desertrose7

    Human whoopee cushion – that cracked me up. I’ve only experienced a Chinese massage and that was agony enough. Ain’t no one gonna jump on my bones thank you very much.

  7. Adam S

    “cracked me up” <—pun intended? Haha! I'm definitely not a fan of the deep muscle massage either. It sounds great, like it would be really relaxing, but from my experience it isn't very pleasant…Chiropractic actually feels really good if you're neck or back is locked up — it's a breath of fresh air, believe it or not.

  8. tauromaja

    I’ve started going to the chiro this year because I have scholiosis and had trauma from a nearly two-hour boat ride. It is not so much painful (for me) as it is the most unpleasant sensation I’ve ever undergone in my life. Especially when I have my foot in his crotch (and yes, I’m still talking about my chiro and not some random night) and he’s asking me if I have a boyfriend.

    Good guy, apart from that, though.

    • Adam S

      Oh man, scholiosis doesn’t sound like any fun. For you it must me a godsend — funny comment though — Made me laugh! (: Thanks for reading and sharing!

      • tauromaja

        It’s kind of funny when I look at it now but having your butt tenderized and then trying to carry on a normal conversation between major bone-cracking is somewhat unnerving. When he asks me to completely exhale is when I know it’s a heavy duty bone-cracker of a move he’s going to do.

        I feel like I should be ready to take on John Cena…but then again, that I wouldn’t mind… 🙂

    • Adam S

      I know exactly what you’re talking about — It reminds me of the segment in Bill Cosby’s “Himself” when the dentist is trying to carry on a conversation with him while getting his teeth cleaned. Classic!

      • tauromaja

        There was this one time that a intern dentist was assisting in my dental surgery. He looked at me a little concerned (mainly because he thought I was scared; I was not) and said that I was going to be alright that I had nothing to worry about.

        I told him that of course I had nothing to worry about; he was the one who had to see everything. I didn’t have to.

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    • Adam S

      It actually feels really good — especially the Seagal move. You’d be surprised what a difference it makes going semi-regularly — providing you have a legit concern. I try to go at least twice a month for me, when I can. Look into it!

      • tauromaja

        I actually have to go for maintenance sessions every two months. And I have noticed that if I don’t go, I can get a tingling sensation in my hands from not being aligned properly. My bad because we women love to tote our “portable” home/office in the contraption called the “handbag”.

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  11. julesagray

    I worked briefly on a Seagal film. let’s just say it was fun to watch him talk about the importance of eating healthy things like kangaroo pancreas whilst inhaling two pints of Haagen Dazs.

  12. crisgzr

    Alignment does seem like that fruit just out of reach when you are in pain. For me chiropractic adjustments are temporary, acupuncture (with real china-trained practitioners) has always worked. But in 2001, I moved to the rural south, I have a lot of friends who are getting chiropractic and back surgery and are in pain… when I hurt my back, I wasn’t sure how at the time, I had a very sore to the touch spot on my backbone and it coincided with a numb area on the outside of my left knee. Online I saw this was a specific vertebrae. I suspected a ruptured disk. Without health insurance, I was kind of up a creek. As I was walking down my sidewalk, I was wishing I could just find a fix. Then I fell forward off the last step onto the driveway. I landed on hands and knees -hard. Totally fixed my back! Basically realigned myself! I’ve since figured out that the alignment is screwed up by any one of my 4 siberian huskies who suddenly leap out to the end of the leash and pull me by one arm in a circle… sadly, I don’t know how to fall on my fours on demand but I do know it is an alignment issue… now to find a good chiropractor in Mayberry! LOL -keep bitching, it means you haven’t given up.

    • Adam S

      That’s funny! I’m gonna have to try something like that. Since I have neck problems, maybe I’ll just have someone punch me in the face once a week. That should do the trick, right? It’s definitely cheaper…

      If I wasn’t bitching, that would mean I didn’t care. Don’t. Forget. That. Ever.

  13. Stuart Hall

    Dear Steve
    I had thrown my back out to the point a chiopractor had to get me off the floor at my house.I had a vitamin book that had amino acid directory in it and I found an amino acid DLPA in it that reduces the swelling in the spine within three days I could walk it was a miracle. I swear by it if injure my back I take. DLPA and within 20 min the pain is almost gone.
    Hope this helps

    • Adam S

      Yes, but was the amino acid thing as much fun as getting your head twisted around 360 degrees? I think not!

      Good information to have here, and I thank you kindly for it. By the way, if your last name is Pidd, I’m not taking your advice.

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