Get a Free Horrorscope Reading Today!
I’ll bet you’re jealous that I have a crystal ball and you don’t!
What’s a Horrorscope you ask? I don’t have a clue. I made it up just now, trying really hard to incorporate a Halloween theme into the word, Horoscope. Mission accomplished.
But anyways, where was I going with this…
Ah, yes! Get your Free Horoscope reading here today!
I figure since this is the season when all the kiddies run around in plastic masks, begging for candy on people’s front porches, I’d pass a little something out here on my virtual doorstep: a glimpse into your future.
Keep your capes away from the pumpkin candles. Be careful of the chainsaw-wielding neighbor guy that I rented for the night standing behind you.
If you would like a free psychic horoscope reading from me today, you must comment using the following format:
I only work with high-end fortune-telling equipment.
1.) First, type the phrase, “Trick or Treat!”
2.) Second, after I open the door you must identify your costume: ie “I’m a witch.” Or, “I’m Mark Zuckerberg, because look, I’m wearing Birkenstock sandals.”
3.) Third, thou shall then raise thine hand and give the Rock Hand Salute: “\m/”
4.) Lastly, ask your question.
It’s simple! But something tells me that 78% or more of participants will still find a way to fuck up the format…
Let me give an example:
CHOWDERHEAD:
Trick or Treat!
I’m a Goblin.
\m/
I would like to know how much money I’m going to lose to the bookies next year.
*****
My shoddy intuition says that this could possibly lead to the funniest comment thread in the year+ that I’ve been blowing chunks all over WordPress.
I hope it doesn’t turn out that I’m a psychic fraud. Wait, I should know the answer to that already…
Oh yeah, and one more thing: don’t forget to brush up on your Halloween Etiquette.
– The Crystal Ball awaits you, Chowderheads \m/
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Chowderhead 
Trick or Treat!
I’m a Minecraft Zombie.
\m/
I would like to know what Santa is going to bring me this year.
Well hello there, Minecraft Zombie! \m/
I was just about to critique the shape of your costume head, because I thought you were a Lego Man. Now that we have that all clarified…
…let’s get down to business.
(brooding theme song)
Hold on a second, crystal ball ain’t working. (See, that’s the chance you take when shopping at a psychic garage sale..)
*kicks crystal ball*
Ah! There we go. It’s working.
When I gaze into your future, Vanessa Jane Chapman, I see…
…presents.
Lots of them. Very neatly wrapped too. Very…wow, very nice wrapping paper! And they appear to be neatly organized under a tree that has been decorated with popcorn string and beer cans. Hmm..
..I think I see a fish tank? And…an ice cream scooper…
Dude, you need to write a letter to Santa and tell him not to bother coming this year…
Two words: X. Box.
Trick or Treat!
I’m Naked Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball
\m/
I would like to know how I can increase my income while staying at home.
Hi there, Naked Miley Cyrus on a Wrecking Ball! Do me a favor and tell your Crane Operator to back the hell off my new sod. Please, and thank you. \m/
Ok, where were we…
…Yes. The Crystal Ball has provided me with a glimpse… I see you. On the couch. In your boxers, eating Cheetohs for breakfast. Walking dead in the background? Yes. Walking Dead in the background. And lewd photos you appear to be looking at online. You appear to be licking holiday greeting card envelopes…
Shit, well there ya go! Money in the bank. You’re future work-at-home job will be a third party envelope-licker and sealer for some holiday greeting card company that sends out those cheesy corporate cards to their underpaid employees.
You may need another part time job, dude.
Damn.
Hey, I only tell it like I see it! You think I’m making this shit up?
Trick or Treat!
I am Wonder Woman.
\m/
I would like to know if I would be happier if I moved far away from here and started over?
Well hello, Wonder Woman! Would you and your beautifully crafted pair of…um..boots…care to come inside for a glass of Cider and Vodka? \m/
Hmm…This is a very heavy question. Much is at stake here. The crystal ball is spinning on it’s access at a thousand revolutions per second at the moment…
…but it tells me the following: “Wherever you go, there you are.”
I couldn’t have said it any better..
Ha! That’s exactly what I was thinking! Very fun and creative post. I love it!
My crystal ball says “thank you”
Trick or Treat!
I am Bruce Jenner’s former face
\m/
I would like to know if there’s any point to existence.
Hello, Bruce Jenner’s former face! Very clever costume idea. I like how you did that there with the fake blood…that is all over my fucking porch. Geez. Hang on, let me get a bucket of water real quick…have a Snickers in the meantime…
ok.
This is also a very heavy question. Geez, you Existentialists are really bustin’ my Crystal Balls today! I’m dialing up Friedrich Nietzsche right now. Hang on…
…ok, he said “no”, but I don’t like that answer, so let me try someone else…
…ok, I got Bea Arthur on the line here. And she said, “yes”. I like that answer better. Something about “thank you for being a friend?” I don’t know what that means, but she wanted me to pass it on to you.
I guess the theme is friendships…or something?
Trick or Treat!
I am Superman.
\m/
I would like to know if I would find my soulmate this year?
Hello and welcome, Superman! Here, have a King Size Snickers Bar! \m/
Let me take a looksie here and see what I can find…
..I’m seeing a very large feast of some sort. Hmm. Hang on let me clean this thing off…
*wipes glass*
Yes. Yes! Fried chicken. Collard Greens. Macaroni and Cheese. Corn Bread. Hush Puppies…
…You most certainly will eat Soul Food this year!
Brilliant! Hahaha! lol! 🙂
Tick or Treat!
I’m Mario. Luigi’s brother
m/
#1. i can’t find the front slash #ashamed
#2. I need to know what my next photoshoot will be…in detail?
Hello there, Mario! Hey, here’s a Milky Way. Oh, and before you leave, I got a leaky faucet upstairs if you wouldn’t mind? \m/
Ok, let’s have a gander…
Um..
Well, hmm..I have good news a bad news. First the good news. You’re going to have a really big opportunity come your way. Get this: a Playgirl magazine rep will be contacting you soon to do a calendar shoot. On a beach. A tropical beach…
And now the bad news…
The calendar will be called “Men of Saturday Night Live’s Past”.
First up: Horatio Sanz. In a banana hammock. Profile view in a cat pose.
Ah, fuck. Sorry. Good luck with that!
Yes, well…this is interesting. I guess I’m down for whatever so bring on Andy Samberg with his dick in a box, Will Ferrell with a cow bell, and Mr Peepers. Now that I think about it…this is going to be the most kick ass photo shoot ever. \m/ found it under a piece of pumpkin dunkin donut. I will probably never use that key again
Trick or Treat!
I’m a Republican
\m/
I’m wondering how long it will take me to realize I’m part of a party loaded with idiots.
Welcome, Republican kid! Here’s a pamphlet that some lawn company dropped off earlier. I’m out of candy, sorry. But there’s a coupon on the flyer. \m/
Anyways.
I’m gonna try something different here. Let me shake this thing up and see what it says…
It said “highly unlikely”. Hmm, like a fortune cookie message..
Sorry, dude. The oracle has spoken?
I was kinda hoping I could try again later.
Stop back in an hour. This thing can only handle one hypothetical question per day.
Twindad: http://thechowderhead.com/2012/12/06/hypothetically-speaking/
Trick or Treat
I am Michele Bachmann teaching a history class.
\m/
I am wondering if there is any hope for our Government to actually fix anything, or if I should start building a bomb shelter and stock up on weapons for the inevitable revolt of the people?
Michele Bachmann teaching a history class, welcome! The most unbelievable costume I’ve seen today! Here’s a bag of Peanut M&M’s for it. \m/
I’ll take a look, hang on. This crystal ball sucks at hypothetical questions…
God dammit. It exploded. You owe me a new crystal ball! And give me back my Peanut M&M’s!
I blame the government, maybe they tapped into your crystal ball and saw that you were on to them. Hell maybe it was really just a droid. But lucky for you, I keep an extra crystal ball in my bag, so here ya go! Its all yours.
Ambre…
That’s a tampon…
Trick or Treat!
I am Toby Sheldon after surgery.
\m/
Will I ever get my tax refund?
Dear god, man! That’s the scariest costume I’ve seen all night! \m/
Hope you like popcorn balls, cause I got a stockpile of them right here. Take them all. Take them to a Justin Bieber concert and throw them at his headset microphone.
My crystal ball said “Yes. But only after you start working and filing a tax return…”
Hey, I just read it like I see it. Don’t shoot the messenger!
Trick or Treat!!
I am Deputy Raineesha Williams – Reno 911
WTF can’t find the slash so I screwed this part up. .. .m/
What are my chances of getting a ride on that sweet ‘stache???
Weh..heh..heh..hello there, Mz. X-rated trick or treater! You get two king size Snickers for the innuendo! \m/
*adjusts collar*
It’s hot in here suddenly. Somebody crack a fucking window. Anyone? The crystal ball is kind of clouding up. It hasn’t done this yet today. It’s. Eh. It’s getting..hard to see what it’s say..saying…
*wipes glass with sleeve*
Ah there we go!
It said 12-17-35-42-45…
😉
Oh hell to the no! That sounds like lottery numbers! I want my mustache ride!! You should just be glad I didn’t say I was dressed as Mama Cass!! hahaha
Guess I will just try to be satisfied you at least gave me a treat with nuts. 😉
*headslap*
hahaha!
Trick or Treat!
I am Chief Wahoo.
\m/
I would like to know if the Cleveland Indians are going to win the American League Division/Pennant and World Series next year. (Look deep – DEEP – into your paper fortune teller thingy.)
Chief Wahoo, welcome! Here’s a handful of Whoppers for mentioning The Cleveland Indians on sacred Detroit Tiger grounds… but I’ll salute anyways \m/
I can’t seem to see anything inside the crystal ball at the moment because it’s laughing hysterically and rolling around on the floor?! It said to tell you however, and I quote: “That was the funniest thing I ever heard! Cleveland Indians! BAHAHAHA!”
What a rude piece of fortune telling equipment, Maddie. I’m sorry…
Oh, OK, I’ll join in!
Trick or Treat!
I’m a Bad Psychic. (That’s ‘bad’ as in ‘good’, not bad as in bad, if you get what I’m saying!)
\m/
Can you see what I’m seeing? (Maybe I’m not as good as I first thought, if I need to ask! 😉 )
Hello, Bad Ass Psychic! I like your handle bar mustache and mutton chops! And your mullet too! Have a Twizzlers! \m/
The question is not “can I”, but rather, “may I”. But of course it’s too late. I saw WAY more than I needed to see, sir.
Trick or Treat!
I’m a Naughty Constable
\m/
What’s the deal with airline peanuts? And the second law of thermodynamics?
Hello there, Naughty Constable! Have you met my friend, Fat Bottomed Girl? You just missed her. She was looking to take a spin on the handle bar mustache. I’ll write her email address on this Snickers wrapper for you! \m/
The almighty crystal ball speaketh! It says that there is no deal on Airline Peanuts. Five bucks a bag. And the second law of dermatitis question does not compute? Meh. Any other hard questions?
Trick or Treat!
I’m a Cheetah!
\m/
I would like to know what job I will have once I graduate in May
Mee-000w! Well hello, kitty… .. . . … ..
Where am I? …What happened here? I’m lightheaded….
*shakes head*
oh yeah.
Box of Snickers for you! \m/
The crystal ball says that there is an opening at the Psychic Shop here!
I would love to join!
Trick or Treat!
I’m Prince Charming.
\m/
If people rob Peter to pay Paul, and my name is Paul, when will I get the money?
(By the way, anyone seen Snow White around here?)
I’m here. 😉
Hello, Prince Charming! For a minute there I thought I was looking in the mirror! Excellent costume, sir. Very polished. Love the stash. Very cool Nike’s. I’m diggin’ the shades, and the Detroit Ball cap. Shit. Take the rest of the candy! \m/
But your question does not compute. Try this thread instead: http://thechowderhead.com/2012/12/06/hypothetically-speaking/
Trick or Treat!
I’m Snow White.
\m/
When the zombie apocalypse happens, will I be a badass like Michonne, or die a pathetic death like Andrea?
P.S. I bet I can guess your costume… a young Paul Senior à la American Chopper! I think I deserve a bonus candy for that.
Hello, Snow White! There was a guy that just left here who was looking for you. He looked exactly like me. But it wasn’t me. It was someone else asking about Peter, Paul, and Mary. I never got into them…
The crystal ball says that when the zombie apocalypse happens I’ll be eating a pizza and watching it on CNN. Not very descriptive info…and now I’m hungry. For pizza. And humans…
You might want to get off the porch..
Just sayin…
P.S. I have a few openings here at the shop. You seem to have the intuitive ability that we’re looking for around here!
Trick or Treat
I am everyone’s worst nightmare.
\m/
I would like to know what happens next.
Thanks.
Hello! What a clever costume! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone dress up as a case of food poisoning on a trans-Atlantic flight before! I’m out of candy, but I got some leftover lasagna from last week in the fridge, if that’s cool? Here, hold out your pillow case! \m/
The crystal ball is having a hard time with this question. It’s usually not this fussy. Wait! There’s a picture coming in right now…it’s………um…I can’t quite make it out…….uh…oh, there we go:
Beer.
Ha! Thanks for the lasagna…your car will thank you too, when you take a ride, and you wonder about that stench that you just can’t seem to find ..! Trick.
How’d you get in my trunk?
Certain talents. Remember from where I hail.
Trick or treat
Smell my feet
Oops, I messed it up already.
I’m Kim Kardashian’s left buttcheek.
\m/ –> what does this mean, Adam?
Sorry, I’m no good at following rules.
Will I win The Voice?
It must be very uncomfortable to walk around with a crystal ball. Sorry about that.
Hey there, Kim Kardashian’s left butt cheek! Here’s some TP. And some hemorrhoid cream. And a Snickers. And a pamphlet: http://i.imgur.com/wxy7xT1.jpg \m/
And to answer your question: Yes. Maybe.
This thing is a pain in the ass. I need to invest in a smaller one that I can store in my fanny pack…
It goes in your ass? Ouch.
Yes, it is a crystal benoit ball.
Ok, I’ve taken the liberty of setting the scene, purely for added dramatic value (and cos it was kinda fun).
I eagerly await your reading, Sendek. I mean, Oh Great One.
*********************************************************************
She flips down the overhead mirror, checks her reflection and adjusts her tousled silky mane. She reaches into the glove compartment and grabs her ‘I mean business’ crimson red lip-gloss and effortlessly glides the sticky, sweet substance over her full, slightly parted lips.
The sharp, rhythmic beat of stiletto heels striking concrete, signals her onward journey from her pimped Pussy Wagon, to the door awaiting her at the end of a long, winding and unkempt pathway.
As she approaches the door, her breathing becomes more erratic as the anticipation grips her – all of her, including the crotch of her yellow and black skin tight cat-suit, which she swiftly adjusts and curses simultaneously. She quickly double-checks that her plastic sword is secure.
She stands upright, her legs are parted, her back is arched and her ass is thrust outwards. She inches her zipper down to expose more of her milky white cleavage, knocks the door and then places her hands on her PVC enveloped hips.
She’s ready.
*********************************************************************
Trick or Treat!
I’m Beatrix Kiddo!
\m/
Oh Great One, I’ve heard about you and your big, glowing, majestic ball. It mystifies and intrigues me. I’m restless Sir, I have so much pent up energy, desire and longing. Take a long (emphasises the word ‘long’), hard (again, emphasises the word ‘hard’) look at your magnificent ball and tell me this, what can I do to release this heavy burden? Does the answer lie in your Big. Glowing. Ball?
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, that was like the longest fucking burp ever. Did you hear that?!! I kinda wish I had a camera
I’m out of candy, but I got one Keystone Light left in the fridge from a couple months ago. You want it? It’s all yours if you want it? I’m honestly afraid to drink it, but you’re more than willing to roll the dice on it!
I dig the costume by the way. Whoa! Hey! Watch that blade around the eyeballs, chicky! You’re like a leather bumble bee or something, right? Rock hand. \m/
Um, ok. Let’s see what the ball has to say…
…It says.
…make yourself a hot…
…cup…
…of chamomile tea…
..and…
…and…
Fuck. You’re not gonna believe this, but the battery just died on this thing.
Happy Halloween!
Leather Bumble Bee!
(how’s that for a buzzkill…great comment, Neeters!!)
Trick or Treat.
As you can clearly see, my costume is Jean Paul Sartre.
\m/
I see no point in a horrorscope, as I am alone, I am nothingness.
Jean Paul Sarte!
…
…
…
.Where am I?