Think Happy Thoughts and Try Not to Hurl on the Plane


I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue...

I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue…

Alright, so dig this, I’m going on a solo flight in a couple of days and I’m wiggin’ out.

I’m not all that big on flying, so I’ve been spending a lot time in the fetal position, whimpering like a sissy.  I thought this might be sort of therapeutic for me, ya know?  Write it out, Chowderhead, just write it out…

See, I’m not one of those people that’s afraid of crashing and dying.  Honestly, I can think of much worse ways of expiring, like, for instance, being eaten by Hannibal Lecter.  That would suck much more than a really brief, but really fun, roller coaster ride into the ocean.

Maybe I shouldn’t tempt fate…

What I am afraid of is all of the ridiculous scenarios that I create in my mind before I even set foot on the plane.  Consequently, (I like that word) for the past week and a half I’ve been chain-smoking and building a collection of virtual self-help books, which now rivals the Library of Congress.  At the moment, I’m working on a chapter in one of my anxiety miracle cure books called, “how to stop worrying about spraying projectile vomit all over the guy in the seat next to you.”

That would be one of those ridiculous scenarios.  Not that it wouldn’t be possible I guess, but I haven’t tossed my cookies since I was an infant.  That is of course if you don’t count that one time when I went to that Lebanese restaurant after a night of heavy drinking a few years back.  But that was only like a violent vurp — not really full on hurl.

In any case, I realize now that not only do I have this longstanding phobia of just about everything, but a particularly bad phobia of all things vomit.  God I hate that word.  They actually have a name for it too: emetephobia.  Gnarly!

Don't call me Shirley...

What’s your sign? Do you have kids? What do you do for a living? Have you ever had a prostate exam? I really like airplane peanuts. What time is it in Amersterdam? Oh, and don’t call me Shirley.

Emetephobiais what self-help guru’s refer to as an “Irrational fear.”  I would have to agree, it is irrational, because chances are likely that I’m not really going to give two shits about the guy sitting next to me for a number of reasons:

1.). He might be an armrest-stealer.
2.) He might be a talker, which means kiss my Yatzy Addict Tournament goodbye.
3.) He could be a projectile vomiter, which would do absolutely nothing to help me rid myself of emetephobia.

I hope he’s just an armrest-stealer…

I’m rambling now.  Shut up, man.  Does this give me a free pass for slacking on reading everyone’s stuff?  I’m acting like such an attention whore right now, I know.  Please tell me to stick a sock in it and man up.

Oh, and I still don’t have a clue what I’m gonna name this blog, not that it’s all that important, but you know,  The Artist Formerly Known as My Right to Bitch is gonna be a really hard one to plug to random strangers on the plane: “Hey, you should read my blog, it’s called…wait, do you have about five minutes to spare?”

Ok, bye.

Louisiana or bust…

…Say what?

-Happy Blogging\m/

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119 comments

  1. Vanessa-Jane Chapman

    The only helpful thing I can say, which is what I always say to myself when I have something coming up that I’m dreading is – this time in 3 days (or however long), it will all be over with. It makes it easier to think of it as just a period of time that you have to get through. That and making sure you sit in an aisle seat so that you can easily run to the bathroom if you have to.

    • Adam S

      Thanks, Jane. There’s been a slight change of last minute plans. Now I have a twenty hour drive to sit and think about how I’ll handle the next flight. Haha, long story!

      • Vanessa-Jane Chapman

        Ha! That’s ok, I thought it was just a special little pet name you had for me 😉 It’s really just Vanessa. My middle name is Jane; I do a bit of acting and there was another actress called Vanessa Chapman, so I hyphenated the Jane with the Vanessa to make it a bit different, and as I use that as my acting name, I thought I’d use it as my writing name and therefore my public name in general (you did want my life story right?).

    • H. Stern

      Ha ha ha! I did that with childbirth! I was totally like, “This shit is gonna be OVER in 18 hours.” I was wrong. Whatever, 9 months later and it IS over. So…. I guess it worked! I didn’t know anyone else did this…

      • benzeknees

        I do something very similar – I say to myself I can put up with anything for 2 hours or 4 hours, etc. I used it during childbirth, a flight to Cuba, a flight to Puerto Rico, . . .

      • H. Stern

        I heard about that technique, and tried it when giving birth. “I can put up with this pain for another 2 hours.” And then, it got so bad, I thought I was going to die during labor, so I made them shove a needle in my spine.
        #WorthIt

      • H. Stern

        Not true. I once sat in on a Holocaust lecture that was so boring, I may ACTUALLY still be in it, and hallucinating this entire conversation.

  2. Katie

    I’m crossing my fingers that you’re seated next to one of those Tyler Durden types so you come back with an awesome plane story.

    …That doesn’t involve vomiting.

    • Adam S

      It’s when you sit on your hand until it falls asleep, and then you jerk off. Wait a minute, no. That’s a “stranger.” A solo flight is one part Vodka, three parts grenadine…wait, er…I’ll get back to you on that one, Ginger.

  3. Maddie Cochere

    Squee!! Louisiana! Hope there will be some crazy fun stuff coming out of that trip. Can’t wait!! I was up this morning at 4 a.m. to take my hubby to the airport. He’s on his way to Vegas. Adam, you just have to keep telling yourself that you are safer in the air on an airplane than you are on the ground in a car. Granted, you won’t survive the airplane crash, but the chances of it crashing are miniscule. Take lots of cash with you and drink.

    • Adam S

      Squee is the word that comes to mind, Maddie. But there has been a slight change of plans. I’m driving now. Any suggestions, seeing that it’s the more dangerous option???

      • Maddie Cochere

        Five to seven miles over the speed limit – no more unless you are simply keeping up with the cluster f, er, I mean traffic. Wear your seatbelt at all times. Wear comfy lightweight clothing. Take great music; don’t rely on the radio. Even if you are using a GPS, map your route with Google maps and print every bit of it to take with you. Stuff happens, GPSs get squirrelly, and you don’t want to get off an exit for gas/bathroom only to find there isn’t a ramp to get back on. Have the patience of a saint, because everyone else drives like a maniac. Enjoy the view. Take a small cooler with your favorite cold non-alcoholic (duh) drinks/water, because it’s a bear to be thirsty and not be able to stop. A bag of favorite snack items is helpful, too, especially if you get tired; eating and drinking helps to keep you awake. Don’t text. Stay off the phone. You can talk to her at rest stops or when you get to Louisiana. 😉 Now don’t I sound like a nagging mother? Most of all, go yonder with your sense of adventure, and have fun!!

      • Adam S

        Thanks, Maddie. I appreciate all the support and tips. Everything is going well. I’m more than half walk there after day one. This is cool!

  4. The Cutter

    I threw up on a plane once (Actually twice on the same flight) Apparently getting loaded on wine the night before was a BAD idea. The air sickness bag contained it, but not for long. It slowly began to leak.

    Hope this makes you feel better!

  5. becca3416

    WOOSAH Adam …woosah. I second Maddie’s suggestion. Just envision that really really cold Coors Light waiting for you on the ground. And, if whoever sits next to you on the plane starts talking to you interrupting your tourney, bust out the Ed Dossleberg.

  6. Le Clown

    Adam,
    I know you wouldn’t be flying if it wasn’t really really really magnificent™ where you are going… Good luck. Don’t think about movies like Airport, or Flight, or Cast Away, or movies with Nick Cage (but Raising Arizona), as those just suck dirty asses. Enjoy, my man. Enjoy.
    Le Clown

  7. alienredqueen

    I used to have a pretty pathological fear of throwing up… I think I largely got over it when I was bitten on the face by a dog, and while laying on a table getting my face sewn up, the kid behind the next curtain kept hacking and then hurling on the floor. At first I covered my ears (the docs thought there was something wrong with my head at first.lol) but then I was unable to move and had to just sort of deal…
    I do get motion sickness though, so I am always nervous of that when going on a flight. I take a lot of dramamine and try to drowse through the flight if I can.

  8. anitadesignstudio

    I always hope and pray that the person sitting next to me is hawt!! Hawtness always provides a very welcome distraction, don’t you think? So instead of panicking about loose wings, faulty oxygen masks and the Pilot falling asleep at the wheel you can focus on pert tits, toned thighs and luscious lips. If on the otherhand you’re perched beside a wild beast then you’re fucked 😉

    • Adam S

      I don’t care if Vanna Fucking White is sitting next to me, I opt for the tour bus! But, you’re kind of a hornball, so I can definitely see it working for you! \m/ !!!

      • anitadesignstudio

        HAHA!!!! That’s the best compliment I’ve received ALL YEAR!!! Thank you so much Adam!! I bet if I sat beside ya you’d soon forget about your little phobia. We’d talk about culture and our favourite colour of Skittles…and why you spell favourite; favorite and colour; color…and our best ever Guitar Hero marathon sessions…(Sweet Child O’ Mine; Message in a Bottle and I Wanna Be Sedated are AWESOME Guitar Hero anthems….AWESOME!!!!). And that’s just the tip of the iceberg (thank God you’re not travelling by boat or I could have started a whole load of shit there).

      • Adam S

        Oh, you’re a small talker! That would actually make me feel better. Flying solo doing anything is kind of a mindfuck. It’s nice to have someone to keep your mind from wandering, ya know?

        Guitar Hero! I like the Poison tune. I’m good at that one haha!

      • anitadesignstudio

        Yea, Guitar Hero. Here’s a story, I’ll make it quick. I was with my ‘new’ (now ex) boyfriend and he suddenly whipped out this….this…this hideous instrument. He called it ‘Guitar Hero’. I scoffed at his suggestion of ‘having a go’ and pretended to be utterly disinterested. Fast forward a few (ok, 5) vodkas later and I was rockin’ dude! ROCKIN’!!! I was STILL trying to master Sweet Child O’ Mine at 6am. It’s official: my heart belongs to Guitar Hero.

      • anitadesignstudio

        Jeez, I get 5 lousy words for an epic tale of my introduction to Guitar Hero…

  9. anitadesignstudio

    For fuck sake!! I’ve only just noticed that you’re going to drive now!! I’m never gonna get those minutes back Sendek!!

    • Adam S

      Sorry, yo! I have a flying voucher though, so I’ll be able to laugh about it the next time I go. By the way, I haven’t been called by my last name since high school. I love it!

      • anitadesignstudio

        Haha, cool! From this day forward I shall call you ‘Sendek’! Don’t you be getting any weird ideas about me doing a bit of role play and pretending to be a School Teacher as I’m saying that, Sendek! 😉

      • anitadesignstudio

        Kaaaaay, I obviously have some deep rooted issues. How’s about that. Awkward…

      • anitadesignstudio

        Oops, three question marks??? You must mean business tonight Sendek! Haha. I was just jesting homeboy 😉 But seriously, what red blooded male WOULD hold it against me??!!

  10. lillianccc

    I never knew there was an actual word for fear of all things vomit! Gross, just typing that word made me feel ill. But thanks for teaching me a new word that I can now use whenever I introduce myself to someone.
    Now that you’re driving, I’m guessing you aren’t making yourself sick with stress anymore. For future reference though, try to snag an aisle seat on a flight. To prevent the hurl, invest in some motion sickness pills and do not drink orange juice before or during the flight. That last one is advice from my sister, who’s only recently stopped hurling on every single flight she goes on.

  11. Jean

    Ah anxiety. Well I bet you’re glad that mountain was avoided! Can you breathe now? As for your blog name, you could always go with Violent Vurp. I doubt it’s taken.

    • Adam S

      Thanks, Weebs. I’m actually driving. Long story. I’m in some sheeny-assmotel in Tennessee right now. I think they filmed Deliverance down the road. Pfft!

  12. benzeknees

    If your biggest fear is projectile vomiting take a Gravol before you board the plane. You can always take a children’s Gravol if you’re afraid adult may be too strong. I hate flying because I hate being locked into a small place with a whole bunch of other people & having no control over what happens.

    • Adam S

      I don’t get motion sick, I just get nervous as hell. But yes, I agree with you. It’s overwhelming to think about sometimes…

      aye carumba…

      • benzeknees

        Get yourself a CD of something really peppy & blast the tunes while you drive. My favorite driving songs? Shania Twain’s “Feel Like a Woman” & “Footloose” When I still smoked – when I was driving, every cig kept me more awake & alert. Hubby’s trick? Sticks his head out the window like a dog while he’s driving when he’s feeling drowsy!

      • Adam S

        I smoked two packs of cigarettes in less than a day. A new record for me. It was not one of my prouder moments in life, but, they weren’t going to smoke themselves now, were they?

  13. calahan

    That sounds like it’ll be a fun drive, man. Take in the scenery along the way and enjoy your destination. If, once you’re in LA, you get to see Becca, give her a hug for me. And a bill for the drinks.

  14. Maggie O'C

    Just used the ‘sniffing glue’ quote yesterday but of course everyone in my office is too young and too stupid to have seen that movie. Um, I’m clearly late to this party, you are afraid of flying in a plane? You are not actually flying the plane, is this correct? And now, there’s no plane, there’s you in a car for 20 hours? Is there a dog involved anywhere in this?

    Me Johnny Big Tree

    • Adam S

      Haha! It’s such a classic movie, I love Leslie Nielson in it. I’m driving now. Long story, and an even longer drive. The story is long, but if you were driving with me, I could probably tell it to you about 8000 times! \m/

  15. Jen and Tonic

    I have a very irrational fear of passing out or throwing up on an airplane. I don’t know where it came from, but I’m afraid I’ll be the passenger a plane will have to make an emergency landing for.

  16. blatherbubbleblog

    I love your new style! I have never been on an airplane. I doubt that I will ever get on one unless I am the one in the cockpit.
    As always, you bring a smile to my face! Thank you!

  17. Fat Bottom Girl

    You were so busy rambling about your fear of flying and vomit, that I don’t believe you ever said why you’re going to Louisiana? Personally, I am probably much more worried about sharting myself than puke! Chin up buttercup! 😉

  18. H. Stern

    So… the big fear is puke? I mean, I’m not going to point and laugh (out loud), but I think you’re probably ok. I’ve been on DOZENS of flights (because nobody wants to keep me around for long) and I only ever saw someone throw up ONCE, and it was my step-sister. So…. don’t fly with her? I don’t know. Drink heavily? No, someone else said that made *them* throw up. I got nothing. Meh, you’ll be fine.

  19. Lady Lovely

    I once did vomit on a plane once. 7 times in a row to be exact. Let’s just say the flight attendant was not to keen on me. Well, let’s be honest, she was a B*&^% to me. I probably would have been too, I mean, who wants to carry away 7 vomit bags! I’m happy to hear you drove!

  20. Pingback: Spreading my wordseed III: Chowderhead. | Content Unrelated

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